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An Open Letter to the One that Lead Me on with No Intention of Loving Me

Dear Mr. Almost,

I wish I could cry. I wish I could tell someone. I wish I could be content with being your friend. But all I am is numb. When people ask about you I act like nothing ever happened because I am afraid that reality will hit me like a brick wall. Numbness is easy, emotions are hard.

But why did you do it? Why would you want to hurt me? I get that you had a rocky past, as did I. I get that you have a tough time trusting people. I get that… But what did I ever do to you? I did everything in my power to support you and your dreams. You and I may come from different worlds, but I always chose you. I began to live in your world and abandon mine, so that you would feel safe. Now I am stuck in the middle of both of our worlds. I don’t belong in mine, yet, you pushed me out of yours. Where do I go from here?

Truth is, I don’t want to go back to my world. You have shown me a different perspective of life that is beautiful and free. I wish you were just a terrible person, then this would be easier. But you aren’t, you’ve introduced me to places and experiences I couldn’t have imagined in my wildest dreams. You are wise beyond your years and you continue to use that wisdom to enlighten and inspire me. I know that even now I can always go to you for advice. But I am scared. How do you be just friends with someone you love without it consuming you?

I am afraid that once the numbness subsides I will spiral out of control. The overwhelming amount of pain will turn me into someone that I am not. Before the pain hits, I have a big choice to make but I am caught between a rock and a hard place. Either, I stay your friend and spiral or I throw myself into my career and completely delete you from my life. I know I have to do the later but it is also the most painful. I cannot see a life full of happiness without you in it. But I am going to have to. For the first time I need to be selfish and focus on how I feel instead of how it will affect you. This is for me. You were the one that decided not to choose me and this is me trying to be ok with that.

But there’s good news, I forgive you. We all make mistakes and every day you find a new way to prove to me that you care. I wish you all the love in the world. I hope that in the future you can look at someone with the same love in your heart that I have for you. You are an amazing person, and one day you will be someone’s biggest blessing. I want you to know that, I don’t regret loving you. I will never regret showing someone kindness, compassion and love. Please forgive yourself for what you believe was a mistake because I have already forgiven you. Nothing in life is a mistake, we learn and grow from every experience. At the end of the day, I hope that I showed you that you are worthy of an unconditional love. I will always care. We both have some things to work out but I know that when we meet again, we will know why this had to happen. Until then, I am going to work on being the best version of myself and I trust that you will do the same. 

Photo Credit: 1, 2

 

            

Kayla is a sophomore at the University of Central Florida. Her major is Television Radio with a minor in Event Management. She's worked as a fitness instructor and an intern for a professional race car driver. Currently, she works in retail and loves making the world a little more fashionable one person at a time. Kayla hopes to one day work public relations in the motorsports industry to show those guys women can do anything men can do (but better). When she is not on campus she's probably on a race track, reenacting a Beyonce concert or trying to find a portal to the Enchanted Forest (because Once Upon A Time is actually a parallel universe). If you are lucky you may find her doing all three. To keep up with all her unique adventures follow her on Twitter
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