Dear So She Says,
This is going to be a long one…
So this one time, it was the beginning of my junior year of high school, I had just broken up with my boyfriend that summer—so I was in that awkward “I have to learn how to be single again” stage. I was working at a café nearby, and one night one of my co-workers, Anna, invited me to hang out with some of her friends. She went to a different high school than I did, so I decided to go and meet some fresh faces. Little did I know, my life was about to change…drastically.
Now originally, she told me we were just going to hang out at her house, so I was dressed in a pair of last season’s faded sweats and a tank top. Splendid, I know. The minute we walk inside the Hookah Bar, Anna catches a glimpse of all of her friends and they start screaming. You know that “OMG I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE YESTERDAY AHHH” kind of girl scream. So since I didn’t go to their school, and I obviously knew nobody except for Anna, I just sat down in an empty booth. After what felt like an hour of blood-curdling screams, Anna comes over to the table I picked out along with three guys and another girl. I quickly start to determine the relationship eligibility of them. The guy with the eyebrow ring to the right of me is clearly into Anna, the girl to the left of me is curled up next to bush man eyebrows kid, and then there’s this other guy sitting directly in front of me. Arrogant son of a b*tch, he is. He’s clearly the ringleader of the pack, and I immediately despise him.
After a quick introduction and smiles all around, I pull out my phone and pretend to text my non-existent boyfriend. That mouthpiece of a kid looks at me and says, “Why would you come here if you’re just going to sit there on your phone?” My eyes turned to daggers as I glare at him from across the table. Thankfully Anna chimes in with, “Oh come on Sean, she doesn’t know anybody here…give her a break.” My insides do a little happy dance and I return to my game of Solitaire.
About an hour goes by and I’m getting tired. Plus, I have an exam to study for. As we start to make moves towards the front door of the lounge, Sean asks if we can take him home. I subconsciously roll my eyes as Anna looks at me and says, “Sarah, you wouldn’t mind right?” But of course I mind, Anna. I already had to withstand an hour of him ranting about his cool social life, another 5 minutes with him and I’ll spontaneously combust with rage.
But of course I say none of that and reply sweetly, “Oh, no, not at all.”
As I predicted, the whole car ride home was of him inflating his already massive ego. He is the president of SGA, I know this because he must have mentioned it about 37 times.
I’m finally home, and as I get out of the car I hear Sean say, “Uh, it was nice to meet you.” To which I reply, “You too, Mr. F**king President,” and I slam the door. The next morning, I have a new friend request on Facebook from Mr. President, himself. I accept only out of pure curiosity.
This is the part where it gets tricky.
I was ranting to Anna during our shift one afternoon about how I couldn’t believe she could be friends with someone so disgusting. I told her I prayed he’d wake up one morning with horrendous diarrhea. I told her how much I hated him, how much I loathed him and how much I—“Sarah! Enough! You haven’t stopped talking about him for a WEEK. You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you liked him.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, ABSOLUTELY NOT. I’D RATHER BE BURNED WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND SUNS THAN SPEND ANOTHER SECOND WITH HIM.”
So I stopped. I didn’t talk about anything for the remainder of my shift.
Fast forward two weeks, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. He has invaded my thoughts and my moods. Anna doesn’t have a date for homecoming, so she asks me to go with her. Sean goes to Anna’s school. Sean will be at the Homecoming. I will be at the Homecoming. Sean and I will be at the Homecoming. Except this time, instead of hostility, I was nervous. Like REALLY nervous, like the kind of nervous where you feel like you’re going to throw up everything you’ve ever eaten in your life.
We are at the dance. A little while later, I’m dancing. He’s dancing. We are dancing together. I turn to face him, he starts to say something but before he could get the words out, I grab his face and lay one on him. I’m kissing him. I’m kissing him in a public place where I know nobody. I’m kissing someone I hardly know. People are staring. I’m loving every minute of this.
So fast-forward a year, and we are hooking up on and off. He doesn’t want anything serious, because he’s leaving to go to school. He’s a year older than me. During our breaks we would always make plans to see each other and pick up where we left off, Mr. President and I.
Fast-forward a few more years. I haven’t been able to date anyone. Not because I don’t want to, but I just can’t. It’s like I can’t find anyone I’m interested in. I figured out how much in love with Sean I am. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.
What am I doing with my life? How do I get out of this?
I’m sorry for this long rant, please help!
Yours,
Dazed and Confused
Dear Dazed and Confused,
Well, it looks to me like cupid has definitely hit you. It’s clear you love him, without a doubt.
But it’s also clear that you are RUINING YOUR LIFE, sweetheart!
First thing’s first, you must want to move on. Saying you want to is one thing, actually making strides to move forward is another.
I could be wrong here, but it seems like your brain is subconsciously comparing this kid to every other male you meet at school, which is why you are unable to find someone that sparks your interest.
You’re in college; this is the time where you experiment (safely, of course)! You are supposed to make some dumb decisions, have a few boyfriends here and there, learn what you like and dislike, to ultimately find out who you are as a person. You only get one chance at this! Don’t blow it away waiting for something that MAY NEVER EVEN HAPPEN. You have no way of knowing what you or he will be doing once you graduate. What if the company of your dreams offers you a job in a different state? Will you turn down the job? Will you continue to wait for him? Of course not! You’ll be wasting away your wonderful life…waiting.
I’m sure your classes are filled with guys who would love to take you out on a date, and if you would start to chip away at your wall of defense, they would be more willing to pursue you.
You’re never going to meet another Sean. Sean is only ever going to be one person.
However, you can meet others that share some of the same qualities you love about Sean, and maybe without some of his flaws, too.
Listen, he knows your number, he has your Facebook, if he wants to contact you HE WILL. That’s the way guys work. If something is meant to be, it will be. I know it’s hard, but that’s the beauty of the game, my friend.
Keep Writing,
SSS
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