I recently got out of a pretty toxic relationship, and needless to say, it broke me. It’s hard for me to admit that, to admit he had any real power over me. I put everything I possibly could into this relationship, but eventually found myself dimming who I was for him. I began biting my tongue a lot more, putting up with things I didn’t agree with, and sitting idly by waiting for his affections. This resulted in me acting out, becoming a person I did not like and doing things I was not proud of. Yet, I stuck around. It was a battle between heart and head; logically I knew we were both hurting each other, but I thought that was just what relationships were. Despite all of this, I continued to fight for the relationship; and he did to, until he gave up. I knew it was over, yet I stayed again. I stayed when he no longer wanted me to.
When the relationship finally came to an end, I had no idea who I was anymore. I felt as if I was looking in a mirror but didn’t recognize the person looking back at me. We got involved during the first few weeks of college, and those moments meant for self discovery were spent with him. Due to this, I felt completely lost. From here, I knew I could only go up; and there was a comfort in knowing self-growth was inevitable. I began learning who I was again, and trying to love that person. This process is not an easy one, but it’s a process everyone goes through at least once in their life.
1. Understand there is nothing wrong with you. Often times when someone gets out a relationship, they blame themselves. They begin to pick a part who they are, belittling themselves at every turn. They begin to wonder what they could have done differently, question if they are enough. It isn’t a matter of whether or not you were enough, but rather was your partner strong enough to carry you. Love is not about dimming who you are, it is about growth.
2. Go back to your roots. At our darkest moments, there is one infinite constant – who we really are as people. Whether it is something as simple as doodling on a piece of paper, or something more extravagant like going on a trip; whatever makes you feel as if the world finally makes sense again – do it.
3. Do something everyday that both scares you and excites you. We are taught from a young age to always consider the consequences, to never take risks if there isn’t some type of safety net. But when you get out of a relationship, you feel vulnerable again; as if you lost your safety net. Now is the time to work on becoming your own hero. By doing something that simultaneously scares and excites you, you are able to feel alive. Prove to yourself that life is filled with incredible experiences, and it’s okay if you fail because in the end you will still have yourself.
4. Laughter is just as important as self-reflection. While it’s important to focus on yourself and what you want moving forward, all of those thoughts can sometimes feel crippling. It’s as if you’re putting yourself into a box with a million things coming at you and you are unsure of where to turn. It can feel suffocating, and that’s when laughter comes in. Laughter is the cure to everything, every pain, every ache can be dulled by simply laughing. Allowing yourself to feel sadness is necessary to the overall process of moving on, but it is just as necessary to feel joy in the hard times.
5. Create create create. Make something, create anything, because from the pain you are creating something. Show yourself something beautiful can be brought to life through an ending.
6. Take the relationship as a lesson, not a failure. Sometimes people don’t work out, and that’s okay. No matter how badly you wanted it, life just doesn’t turn out the way you expected. The end of the relationship does not mean failure, if anything if means you both came to the realization it wasn’t working and believed you both deserved better. That isn’t failure, that is success.