For a long time, I just pushed the idea of losing my virginity away from myself. I told myself I would “cross that bridge” when I get there. But that bridge was a lot closer than I expected.
When I was younger, I went to a religious high school that taught me that abstinence was the only form of birth control. Purity was expected of you while sex was taboo and women were easily labeled as “sluts.” I had a long-term boyfriend, but I was too shy and scared to initiate anything. That relationship ended before an opportunity came.
So when I got to college, I did not know what to expect. I was no longer surrounded by that kind of environment. Before long, I was in another long-term relationship with Matt* (and this one is still going strong) and just following the same path. Over time, we started to explore, but sex was still off the table. I was more willing to go outside my comfort zone because it was a new era in my life where I moved out of the house and there was no one to label me as a “slut.” I was curious, so for months, Matt and I just fooled around as we grew closer in our relationship.
We started to spend our nights together, and due to unforeseen circumstances, it became a daily thing. Everyone who knew this had assumed we were having sex, but we weren’t. Over time, Matt started toying with the idea of having sex and he expressed his desire to me. This is when I realized I had to make a decision about where I stand on having sex.
At first, I told Matt that I needed time to think about it because I did not know what I wanted. I told my close friends and they encouraged me to think on my own and take as much time as I needed to make a decision. Matt is patient and understanding, and he never brought it again—only if I wanted to talk to him about sex. He was always honest with me and by my side to listen to any concern.
Initially, I was afraid of the pain. I started Googling and reading as many first time-related articles as I could to mentally prepare myself. I was afraid that the way I thought about myself would be different. I was afraid I would be “less than” and treated just like how those girls in my high school were treated. I felt anxious thinking that I would regret it in the long run. But I had to decide how I felt about sex.
One day I reached out to my older sister, who—even though we are not alike at all—gives great advice (sometimes). She told me to relax. I was putting so much pressure on myself. “Sex isn’t that much of a big deal,” she said. “It’s not going to change who you are or your own value. Only you are in control of that.”
After hearing her advice, I felt better—but it wasn’t enough. I still worried about what my religious mother would think of me. We’re close, but I didn’t want to keep more secrets than I already was (she would not approve of us hanging out in my bedroom let alone spending the night together). Then one day, when I felt more courageous than usual, I asked her, “If you were my age, would you have still waited for marriage?” My mom smiled and said, “No, I probably wouldn’t.” That was the end of our conversation, but it was all I needed. A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulder.
I could finally make a decision about how I felt about having sex. It doesn’t define who I am and it’s not how I value myself or other people. My choices about my body are up to me and only me. At the end of the day, I knew I wanted to be with Matt and continue to grow our relationship. I knew I wouldn’t regret losing my virginity to him, even if we did break up in the future. I love him and trust him. I love myself and I want to give myself that freedom to explore my own body. I finally decided it was time to cross that bridge.
Disclaimer: All views of sex are my own. Everyone has different opinions and beliefs which should all be respected. *Names have been changed to keep anonymity.