The time has come for us to travel back home for the dreaded Thanksgiving break. Don’t get me wrong. I love Thanksgiving. The food, the great movies on TV, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (which I shall one day attend in person). But there are some things that just grind my gears about this holiday, such as: extended family members who really can’t cook but insist on bringing something to dinner, leftovers for days, that one crazy relative that always tends to make things awkward (every family has one), and the dreaded family table discussions. As a child (and even as a young teenager), it was very easy for me to run to the ‘kids room’ to play video games or to ‘go play outside’ to avoid the dreadful interview that you receive from your nosy relatives. But now, since I am officially considered an adult, I am deemed as “rude” when I refuse to join in on family interaction. So I digress. Here is a literal guide to surviving these awkward and undesirable conversations.
Question: Why don’t you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?
What you want to say: I don’t know, probably because I spent 99% of my time in my apartment watching Netflix and eating an entire bag of potato chips. But how’s that third marriage working out for you Uncle Martin?
What you should say: I’m just waiting for the right person to come along, that’s all!
This is probably the most dreaded question of all. The last thing we want to think about is why we are forced to solitude when even Crazy Cousin Mike has someone. Just remember that your relatives are just being nosy, trying to make conversation that isn’t awkward. Just grin and bear it.
Question: What kinds of grades are you making?
What you want to say: Well, I’m ranked number 2 in the country on Candy Crush and I am known as the beer pong champion at college. Also, I finished the whole Gossip Girl series this semester on Netflix.
What you should say: As and Bs. I’ve been working really hard this semester!
It is very important that you LIE ABOUT THIS ANSWER. Your extended family does not need to know that you are indeed failing three classes.
Question: So according to your Facebook profile, it looks like you’re really having a good time at all those parties… When do you find time to study?
What you want to say: I actually never study, but hey, still the beer pong champion of my apartment complex. And when do you find time to work when you’re creeping on Facebook all day?
What you should say: I very rarely go out, that was for a project!
UNTAG YOURSELF IN THOSE PICTURES. Enough said.
Question: When are you going to get a real job?
What you want to say: I dunno Aunt Sharon, I think I’m just going to follow in your footsteps and marry a man with rich parents that I can mooch off of!
What you should say: I’ve applied at a bunch of different places, and I actually have an interview next week!
Remember: Lying will get you very far with extended family. They don’t need to know that you barely have enough money to eat and that you can’t find a better job than the fluffy retail job that currently you have to save your life.
Question: Wow, you really like those bread rolls!
What you want to say: Well you aren’t exactly a size 2 yourself Karen, so let’s mind our own business.
What you should say: They’re so good. I just can’t help myself!
If your family is anything like mine, the issue of weight will almost always come up. Things will be said such as “No, you’re not that fat!” or “Wow, that freshman 15 sure hit you pretty hard!”
The best thing to do involving extended family is to just laugh off their silly comments. Try not to get too offended, because they probably don’t mean anything by it. Remember: wait until you get back in your own house with your immediate family before talking bad about the rest of them. And as for ‘that crazy relative that everyone has,’ it’s usually best just to completely ignore them and pretend that they aren’t there. They will eventually leave you alone (I know this one from experience).
Thanksgiving is a time of year to really be thankful – especially when you’re broke, in college, and this is the first real food you’ve eaten in months. Happy eating!