“Long-distance relationships never work,” say millions of people who have never tried it or have tried and the relationship failed. If I had the power to change clichés and common sentences that adolescents often use, I would change it to “Long-distance relationships sometimes work and sometimes don’t, just like every other freaking relationship.” Think that will catch on?! Even if it doesn’t, I would just like to point out that most people are in one right now. They just don’t think of it that way. Befuddled? How about your best friend that went off to FSU or your parents that live in South Florida, because you moved to Orlando to attend UCF? As the light bulbs go off, I will state what you have just come to realize: these are long-distance relationships, and they certainly have the possibility of working out.
You may be asking yourself why the heck I should have any say in the matter. How would I know if they work or not?! First of all, I have been in a long-distance relationship for 4 1/2 years (so far). Now, I’m not expecting you to be impressed by the number or revel at my relationship skills and therefore live by my advice, but I’m hoping that proves that I do, however, at least have some experience in the matter. I’ve seen 4 years worth of the difficulties and 4 years worth of the happiness from a long-distance relationship. I also moved away from my family and some of my closest friends, so I know how that is too. Secondly, I consulted websites with expert advice. Convinced yet? If so, keep reading the 5 best tips to making long-distance relationships (of all sorts) work.
1. Be committed. Have you ever heard anyone use the phrase “Long-distance fling?” I highly doubt it, and that’s because physical attraction is not enough for a long-distance relationship. With physical intimacy being so limited, the majority of the relationship is based on the emotional interest you have in the other person. The boy you initially talked to because of his good looks better have a heart as big as his biceps if you plan on starting up a lasting relationship. Like any other relationship, if you want it to work, you have to be willing to put in the effort… I would just multiply that effort by the miles apart you will be when looking into a long-distance relationship.
The same goes with family and friends. You must be set on making the relationship last. If it’s just an acquaintance from your Trig class that you bonded with over a shared hatred for the teacher…you may not feel committed enough to bring the relationship with you to college. And that’s okay! I’m sure you’ll find a new friend to share your distaste in professors with. Just realize that the transition between cities can result in both a loss of friends if you are not willing to work hard to keep old friendships alive.
2. Must trust and be trustworthy. This is where it gets tricky with your significant other. We all know if we’re the “jealous type” or not, and if you are (or your significant other is), I strongly suggest not becoming a part of a long-distance relationship. It can lead to constant arguments and a potentially painful break up. It is hard when one person in the relationship makes rules such as “you can’t hang out with any guys/girls” or “no going out,” because they are not around. People are not pets. You can’t keep them indoors and constantly keep an eye on them especially when you cannot be around to spend time with them instead. Making rules can cause them to spend evenings alone and bored, and that becomes frustrating. There’s no need to stress out over whether they’re getting hit on or checked out…as long as you’re positive they will be faithful. If you’re not, then you might need to question whether the relationship is worth it in the first place.
That said, it is also smart to avoid temptations. Whether it’s not attending every frat party you’re invited to or hanging out alone with someone you believe has feelings for you, it helps strengthen the relationship and makes you that much more trustworthy.
This is also a good tool for parents. They are always going to worry about you and be afraid of their precious little child messing up. A way to reassure them that you are fine is to just be trustworthy. Avoid temptations that may cause you to do something your parents would strongly disapprove of and trust them when they tell you about their mistakes or how it was when they were in college. Ultimately, your decisions are up to you, but parental advice is free, so take advantage.
3. Be honest. This is part of being trustworthy. There is no way for your significant other to tell if you’re telling the truth or being faithful, so honesty is the best reassurance. If someone can be completely honest with you, more often than not they trust you and want you to know they can be trusted. Another part of being honest is to let it all out…be cheesy, be corny, be truthful. You know how you feel, and since you cannot look at them while batting your eyes and exuding all sorts of warm-gooey-feelings, you have to use those WORDS to communicate your admiration. If you keep it all in, you risk the chance of them making assumptions about your feelings since you can rarely physically show them you care. Hopefully, you’ll find that the sentiments are mutual, and then you can hear them said back to which, I’m pretty sure, everyone enjoys.
The same goes with every other relationship…if you don’t communicate that you’re in this friendship for good or that you still love and miss them, feelings get hurt and people grow apart. Don’t be afraid to tell your family and friends that you’re thinking about them. Think about how you feel when people tell you such things and when they remind you of inside jokes and memories…I don’t know about you, but I sit there reading the text or Facebook post with a big grin on my face like a goon.
4. Communicate often.Technology is a beautiful thing. When I first started talking to my boyfriend, we IMed every day (don’t judge me; I was 14, and it was cool back then!). Then, it was phone calls and texting and now it’s Skype, Skype, and more Skype. That’s the route I highly recommend, for obvious reasons. But with all the new technology, such as FaceTime, there’s no excuse for a lack of communication. Now, you don’t have to be all obsessed with each other and text every second of every day. I’m never one for clingy relationships, but just find a pattern that suits you. It could be a call or two throughout the day and a Skype session at night or a little texting here and there and a long phone call at night…eventually, you’ll fall into a pattern. It’s just imperative that you schedule time with your significant other even though you can’t physically spend time with them.
Use all those tools for families and friends as well. Depending on how close you are to them, I would make sure you at least shoot them a text or talk on the phone at least twice a week. Just keep the communication flowing or else they’ll be worried that they were left behind and stop trying to reach out. Remember that this time can be memorable and significant to them (especially with parents), so be careful not to take that away from them.
5. Have hope for the future. I’m in no way suggesting that you should only enter a long-distance relationship with the notion that this person is it the one you will marry and have 3 kids and one guinea pig with. I’m just suggesting that you enter with plans to see each other in the near future and keep making plans throughout the relationship. Not knowing can create unwanted stress and a lot of frustration. It can feel like a dead end, which will make you less likely to put effort into it as well as cause you to take your frustration out on your significant other. Also, plans keep the relationship exciting. There’s nothing like counting downs the days until you finally get to be together.
Friends and family want the same reassurance. Make sure to let them know when you will be home next. Not only will that get them off your back a little, it makes missing you more bearable. If your parents know you will be home in a week, they most likely will refrain from calling you three times a day the week before. Friends also want to know when they can have their confidant back. If they know they are going to see you soon, they will make it a point to remember the story about the cute guy from the club and dish it all to you when you are reunited.
Another aspect that goes with this is to make it a point to meet regularly. For a significant other, I (and experts) would advise at least once a month if it’s possible. I prefer to switch off, so you get to experience firsthand what their life is really like. You can meet the people you’ve heard about and engage in the activities they do on a weekly basis. For family, at least once a month is probably a good idea as well, and depending on how spread out your friends are, try for at least once every other month.
Another thing to remember is to make the limited time together with these people special. Go out to dinner at a fancy restaurant, go to the boutique you’ve been dying to try out, or host a family party to reunite with all your loved ones. Don’t let this short amount of time get too full of plans that you don’t have time alone with your significant other, and don’t revert back to the old pattern of watching TV in the living room while your parents take care of the bills in the office when you go home for the weekend. Cherish your time together, so you can have the memories and special moments to think about when you go back and begin the cycle of missing them all over again.