Are you there God? It’s me, Molly.
Firstly, thank you for the Bonnaroo lineup. It’s perfect.
Ya know, God, this whole love life thang is getting a little lackluster for me. I’m bored with these mediocre peasants! Don’t you want to see me the happiest I could be with a super hot, funny and kind-hearted dude by my side?
I know you’re the busiest so I decided to help ya out! Here’s a list of some potential boyfriends/fiances/husbands/fathers to my children. I’ve done some research and think things would really work out for us.
Nick Jonas. We both have curly brown locks. We both love Stevie Wonder, flannel and pumpkin pie. We’re both singers and WOAH that’s convenient – let’s sing a duet! He’s diabetic, I’m sugar-free. Our favorite pizza topping is just classic cheese…We’d have a simple love. We both hate math but it’s okay cause all we need to know is 143. He chooses his words wisely, I’m a rambling loose cannon. I’d keep him young, he’d keep me in line. We both don’t love Miley Cyrus anymore. We’re both humans. OBVIOUSLY MEANT TO BE!
Ryan Gosling. Hey boy. Either as young Noah Calhoun or as the perfect human being he is. He wrote Allie every day for a year even though mail doesn’t even go out on Sundays! That’s beautiful dedication and I respect that. Hey. I’m a writer. I would’ve replied to every dang letter and signed it with a red-lipsticked kiss mark and a spritz of my perfume. That’s what The Gos deserves.
Andrew Garfield. I understand he’s dating Emma Stone. I would never want to jeopardize that, especially because I plan on becoming her best friend one day. However, if they just happened to break up mutually and platonically, I wouldn’t mind being there to pick up the pieces of Peter Parker’s broken heart. Plus, people always tell me that I remind them of Emma Stone. So. I mean, if he’s into a less-cool, less-hot version of his ex. I’m there for him.
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Package deal here. Mainly because I wouldn’t ever want Boston’s finest BFFs to fight over lil’ ol’ me! So, I’m willing to be a sister wife to the both of them. Ben in ‘The Town.’ Matt in the ‘Bourne’ series. Both in ‘Good Will Hunting.’ Both always in my heart. You better believe I’d save Private Ryan. How do ya like them apples? ‘Cause I really do.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt. When ‘(500) Days of Summer’ came out I watched it every night as I fell asleep and dreamt of Joseph. I’ve had to buy the DVD three times over the years because I watched it so often the disc scratched. I could be the Summer Finn who believes in true love and would never ever break poor Tom Hansen’s heart. JGL and I could sing karaoke, play house in Ikea and listen to sad British pop music for the rest of our days.
Ezra Fitz. I’ve always liked guys a little wiser and more mature. He’s an English teacher and I’m a total English nerd. Match made in literary heaven! We could have our own little book club to read and discuss novels over one cup of hot tea, two straws. He could write poems about me. I could write articles on the twinkle in his eye and our perfect love. I’ve always wanted to name my daughter “Aria” which could potentially be awkward but I’m sure he’ll understand. Not to mention how I would never put my dear Ezra in the path of A’s psychotic doings.
Dermot Mulroney. I just love him in every role. He’s charming and brooding and romantic and has that glorious smirk. The scene in ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ when he takes the wedding ring of Julia Roberts. I HAVE NO WORDS. How about in ‘The Wedding Date’ when he tells Debra Messing, “I think I’d miss you even if we never met”…Well, that’s how I feel about you, Dermot.
Teddy Purcell. You know that I, of course, had to include a hockey player in this list. After my many years of following Tampa Bay Lightning hockey, I’ve come to the conclusion that Teddy is my ideal hockey stud. He’s tall, handsome, talented and witty. He may be missing six teeth but he’s not missing much else other than me on his arm.
Aladdin. Okay, it’s about time someone said it. Aladdin’s smokin’ hot. He can sing. He’s ambitious. He’s a bad boy but has a good heart deep down inside. I think he and I would be kindred spirits and have magical adventures. Also, I feel like if he was magic carpet riding around nowadays he’d be a total hipster. Which I totally support.
Hey God, like I said, I’m just here to help you out with the whole “finding my perfect husband” process. I’m sure you approve of one of the guys from this list, right? If not, there’s always Zac Efron, John Krasinski, Jake Gyllenhaal, Seth Cohen or any brunette member of One Direction. Five out of the Ocean’s 11. Heck, even lazy Nick Miller from New Girl. See. I’m not too picky. I’m willing to work with you on this one.
How ’bout trial and error dating? We can just go down the list and see what works? I mean… It’s pretty safe to say that me and (insert name from aforementioned studs) belong together! We deserve eachother! We were meant to be! Now let’s get to work!
Thanks in advance!