To All the Students of UCF, Love Dorian

Students of UCF,

Listen. 

I’m going to cut right to it—I know you’ve been watching me, and frankly, it’s getting borderline obsessive. I’m unpredictable, it’s literally my nature. I really don’t know why you expect anything less. The more you try to understand me, the more I’m going to hit you with the unexpected. I know you want classes canceled, I do. I’m trying my hardest to help you out. However, the more you sit there and refresh the National Hurricane Center for that new update, the more it’s only going to make me seem unattainable. If you really need something to pass the time, do your homework, take your syllabus quizzes and write your discussion posts. You’re only delaying the inevitable. Syllabus quizzes only take a minute and just think: you’re getting money in return for doing them. Don’t make me come take it for you. And who knows? If I decide to knock out the power, you’re really going to hate doing all that work once it’s restored. 

Now I must say, you Floridians sure have gotten creative (is that the right word?) in your ways to—ahem—anticipate my arrival? 

Hurricane parties? Okay, a classic. Reenacting the Hunger Games for a case of water? Strange, but valid. Buying candy and calling them “hurricane snacks?” Yes, I would too. But a cake? A CAKE? Now I’m flattered, I really am. Your imagination sure is something. But you’ve got my angles all wrong. I'm not that smooth around the edges and I surely don’t condone eating me all in one sitting. Overall, though, I must say that it’s quite cute you think you’ve plotted my path so well. 

To the ones who got away—I mean, evacuated—I was so looking forward to partying with you! I specifically chose to hit land at night so I could see what this whole ~college night life~ was about. My name is Dorian for crying out loud; it literally means gift! The trade-off: I am gifting you a few days off school, and all I wanted in return was a night out on the town.

There’s one last thing I wanted to touch on (oh, how I love a good pun). I’m sure you’ll understand, but I’m a little camera shy. Believe it or not, I have feelings too. And when your fancy weather services send up planes to take my picture? Of course I’m going to swerve! Who wouldn’t? Unannounced visitors pointing their state of the art cameras at you while you’re unprepared? You should know better. However, I have attached what I believe are some of my better shots. I hope I haven’t got my eye closed in any of them.

Now UCF, this is where I must get back to work. I’ve sat out in the Atlantic long enough and I am getting HOT. Hot girl summer is real and you Floridians weren’t joking when you say it feels like you’re standing in the core of the Earth. I trust you’ll make sure you are safely prepared for my arrival. Remember: stay inside, use common sense and for the love of all things stormy, please don’t lose a limb attempting to get that last bottle of Dasani water. 

See you soon and stay alert.

XOXO,

Dorian 

 

 

Images: 1, 2, 3