Historically, sex has been regarded as a form of intimacy to be shared between two emotionally invested, monogamous partners. So, in the case of “friends with benefits”, could this commitment-less sexual liaison have psychological repercussions on the involved individuals? Author and sex educator, River Houston, 45, says “It can be a set up for suffering, always longing for what will never be, like going to the hardware store to buy oranges. The commitment is just not there and never will be.” She continues, “It is not inevitable that both parties will get hurt if they are both honestly and truly in it for the sex. Don’t think causal is going to turn serious. It is so rare and a set up for hurt. You both need to communicate the rules of the relationship, they can’t go unsaid or assumed because what one person might perceive as casual is totally different from what another person might define it as.”
The degree of emotion invested in this relationship should, ostensibly, not exceed that of just friends but, more often than not, one party unintentionally develops an attachment to their partner. If the friendship evolves into “friends with benefits” there is obviously an underlying attraction. Yet, if feelings progress and one individual within the relationship begins to feel more than just friendly towards their sexual partner, it is best to just stop the sexual interactions altogether.
Chrissie knew from the beginning she did not want anything reminiscent of a relationship as she had just recovered from ending a serious two year long relationship. She aimed to thoroughly enjoy being single her last year of college, remaining uncommitted to anyone other than herself and her friends. So, a boyfriend was not in the picture. “I could tell Jack was starting to have feelings for me by the way he wanted to hold my hand when we were out at the bars and whatnot,” says Chrissie. “I also knew I couldn’t risk our friendship by continuing to have sex with him so I had to end it if I wanted to preserve any remnants of friendship that we had left.”
After Chrissie’s Thursday afternoon class, she was en route to her apartment when she decided that she needed to have the discussion before the weekend, to ensure that she wouldn’t drunkenly end up in bed with him. She walked straight to Jack’s apartment and explained to him that although she had so much fun hooking up with him, she felt that it would be best for them to stop before it led to anything more than casual sex. Chrissie and Jack mutually agreed to discontinue their sexual encounters and both wanted to remain good friends.
“The first couple times we saw each other out after our talk were a little awkward,” says Jack, “and I didn’t feel as comfortable texting her simple things that I text everyone, like ‘what’s going on tonight?’” Chrissie also felt a tension between the two, saying that they texted less and weren’t as open with each other about personal information. “We always used to talk to one another about pursuing our crushes and gave each other advice but, after we started an ended our hooking ups, it would have been just awkward to discuss that stuff,” Chrissie says. Eventually, after about a month, the tension alleviated and the two began to feel as if they could be as close as they were prior to sex. Today, almost a year later, Chrissie and Jack still live across from one another, still drive to and from southern California together during breaks, and are finally able to advise one another again on love interest matters.
Clearly, the best way to maintain a FWB relationship is to remain completely honest with your sexual partner from the beginning and uphold that communication is key. “Above everything, the initial friendship is paramount to everything else, so make sure that you stay honest and are able to maintain that, otherwise not only will you lose a f*ck buddy, but you could lose a best friend too and that’s obviously even worse” advises Chrissie.