Nostalgia as a Senior

As I got back into my groove after spring break, my thoughts were consumed by the fact that it was the last first day of a quarter at college I would be able to experience. It takes a lot to not look back at all the memories I’ve made throughout my time at Davis. Yet, the nostalgia reminds me that those memories and feelings were real. As I look forward to the last 3 months at Davis, I think about my freshman year self and how proud she would be of who I am today. 

Yet, being a senior during COVID has been an experience in itself. I found myself at the beginning of last quarter with low spirits because I’ve had to do everything at home or socially distanced. There were many times I couldn’t help but ponder what could’ve been without this pandemic and how much I wished I wasn’t a senior this year. Being stuck with that mentality kept me from enjoying what I have right in front of me: my housemates, my friends, my family — all people who chose to stay connected with me during these times and reminded me of the value of companionship.  While it’s inevitable to have regrets such as, “I wish I had talked to them more” or “I wish I hadn’t been that shy,” I come back and remind myself that I did the best I could with what I knew. Regretting things that already happen keeps the mind stagnant and prolongs the growth that is desired. Nostalgia itself isn’t dangerous but living and desiring for a re-run of past memories definitely is. For me, my memories were a safe space because I was in control of when and where I replayed my memories. It gave me power over time that I greatly desired since I craved for time to be a nonlinear, tangible thing. My mind was a space I could manipulate and play out scenarios without consequences. And yet, these mind games left me feeling empty and worse than before especially when I would find a flaw in my past actions. It’s taken me so long to realize it’s not bad to look at the past, but it is necessary to look at the present and dream about the future.

Yet, the true beauty of time is not only being able to see the seasons pass or hair growing gray — it’s the inevitability that time keeps going forward. Time forces days to go by, memories to fade, and new ideas to blossom. I think that’s the most incredible thing to me as a senior — that I’ve made it through it all, even my worst days. As much as I used to wish that I had done things differently, I don’t know where I’d be if things hadn’t played out as they did. And for that, I’m grateful. As Snapchat and Facebook remind me of what I was doing a year or two ago, I no longer wish to relive those moments, but instead, I look at these pictures and videos with a smile — glad that I enjoyed my time in college — regardless of a pandemic or not.  

• college
• graduation
• nostalgia
• personal growth
• senior year