I’m Not Coming Out Tonight

Dear people I care about,

I’m sorry, but I’m not going out tonight. This doesn’t mean I don’t like you, or that I’m mad at you. I love you and I’ll always appreciate your company, but not tonight.

There will sometimes be reasons most people deem “legitimate” for not going out. These would include being sick or busy or tired. But tonight, my reason doesn’t fall under these categories and boy does the guilt build up. 

I shouldn’t feel guilty. I know that, but in order to relieve myself of this guilt I need to explain why I’m feeling like this. I understand that it’s important to at least make an appearance if someone was kind enough to send an invite, or that it’s good to hang out with your cast, team, or coworkers to get to know them better. I also understand that there are certain important events that a friend should never miss. But me not going out tonight doesn’t mean that I will never go out again, of course there will be times when I’m feeling lonely at home so driving to Sacramento to play Cards Against Humanity with my friends from high school sounds like a wonderful idea, there will be times after a performance where I’ll be feeling so energized that going out to pizza with my cast that I don’t even know super well will feel right, and of course if a friend  just wants to talk, I will do my best to make it happen.

I shouldn’t be scared to say that I’m not going out tonight, but I am. I shouldn’t feel that I need to justify myself but I do. Here I am, writing this, letter, telling you all that I don’t want to go out tonight. And please don’t tell me things I’m afraid of, like “you’ll miss out on fun times” or “life is too short” because trust me, I’ve already thought those things through more times than you already know. And I hate feeling accountable for something that shouldn’t be a crime.

But since I took the time to write this, I will tell you this. Tonight, I am busy. I have a date with myself. No one else is coming, just me and myself. 

Tonight we might be binge-watching Doctor Who, or writing another short story, all while eating a bowl full of cookie dough ice cream. I might be tired, or sick, or not either of those, but that doesn’t matter. Not only am I not going out tonight, but I don’t want to go out tonight.

And that should be enough.

Hugs and kisses,

A girl who wants a night to herself