Dating apps have become a common avenue to meet potential romantic partners; it’s appealing that one can find love right from their sofa. However, the rise of such apps and hookup culture have strung along their own issues, and therefore, instigated their own heartbreaks and jaded individuals. Here are the ways in which dating apps are toxic.
1. Promotes a “Checklist” Mentality
Dating apps are designed to highlight discrete qualities about each individual: height, race, hobbies, work, religious beliefs, etc. While it is very convenient to learn so much about a person from a phone screen, modern dating has instigated checklist mentalities in mingling partners. If even a single standard is not met, it is a swipe left and on to the next person. The qualities that make someone human: the way they talk, the way they express emotion, is all thrown out the door. Even before meeting people in person, individuals have mentally plastered a set of strict rules in their minds that guide them through judging another person. Rather than viewing people as holistic human beings with their own emotions, experiences, values, and faults, they are reduced down to a list.
2. Black-and-white judgement
Along with checklist mentalities, people have become less tolerant of human flaws. The introduction of “red flags” has triggered this widespread obsession with carefully examining an individual for “warning signs.” It’s one thing if a person repeatedly makes racist jokes, it’s another if they happen to arrive 5 minutes late because of traffic (aka, a situation not under their control). People have become extra cautious of signals that a person will be an inadequate partner in the future.
There are two realities to this practice: First, if a person looks for flaws, that is all they will find. Secondly, being human IS to have flaws. People have lost the patience and willingness to get to know someone deeper, as there is a fear of wasting time and getting hurt. Unfortunately, heartbreak is something no one is immune to, and one is equally susceptible to it in modern dating.
3. Meeting multiple people at once
As a form of security, people feel the need to romantically interact with multiple partners at once in order to find the right match. Nothing is more draining than feeling like you found a great person, only to be ghosted for someone else or told that you’re not worth investing in. Dating multiple people is like taking multiple classes at once: while you will get variety, it becomes more and more difficult to dedicate time to each one. According to Miller’s law, the human brain cannot be confronted with more than 9 choices without employing simpler, shortcut decision-making processes. Essentially, our minds can get too convoluted to narrow the options and hone in on who truly is “The One.”
4. Illusion of Abundant options
Not only are people in the dating market confronted with 9 so-called options, they are also met with an illusion of abundant options. Dating apps are designed to introduce as many profiles as possible based on the preferences people set. This sense of infinite possibilities reinforces the aforementioned checklist mentality and black-and-white judgement. If a guy is too short, a girl is too overweight, a person is too bland, too exciting, too xyz, keep swiping, because you have plenty of options to look into, right? People have a reason to be intolerant of hundreds of profiles, because there is this fake possibility that eventually, they will find someone who is perfect. Unfortunately, that “perfection” is only through a screen, and apparently, can be tainted by the slightest “flaw” when met in person.
Conclusion
The overall issue with dating apps is it has fostered a sense of infinite availability, trust issues, fake personas, and a fear of making the wrong move. To make it crystal clear, I am not trying to bash anyone for partaking in dating app culture. It is important to understand that all methods of going about life have their pros and cons, and more importantly, certain methods work wonderfully for some and terribly for others. There is no doubt that modern dating has its issues, but for the right kind of person, it can be a seamless way of finding meaningful relationships.