How to Be Single During the Holidays

The earth is infected with humans who claim that the whimsical period of the year called "winter" is also to be called "cuffing season." To hell with this theory! I have spent 19 Christmases alone and, for my 20th one (the big 2-0!), I have decided to slap some half-decent wisdom into your paws on how to successfully spend the holidays alone.

1. Get a quality blanket

People are going to tell you that winter is the time for cuddling. Spit your hot coffee in their corneas. Winter is the time to get warm. Do you know how you do that? Blankets. When a baby is shivering, do you get it a human? No. You get it a blanket. Get yourself a quality one.

I suggest designer stores like Costco and Target. Take this blanket and then wrap yourself inside it so tightly that your arms are holding onto your body for dear life. This will simulate the cuddling that people rave about without the possibility of pregnancy or an embarrassing fart.

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2. Save money on gifts

One less serious relationship is one less Amazon package you have to stab your way into, as the kids say. A significant other means that you have to find a gift for them, and not just any gift. No. It has to be the perfect gift. You would think that people would be thankful to receive a Build-A-Bear with a voice message that is just you releasing a blood-curdling scream, but "allegedly" this lacks romance.

You can skip the drama of someone denying your screaming bear by simply avoiding love in general. With the money you save, you can buy yourself a Build-A-Bear. You can probably even afford to buy it a pair of small, useless shoes.

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3. Shut down any questions about your relationship status at family gatherings

"Oh my goodness, Olivia! Did you find a special someone this school year?"

No, I did not. We can discuss the dude that breathed in my direction once during week two and pretend that he was interested by theoretically interpreting that breath as a whisper and that whisper as a word and that word as "Hey, you’re pretty cool," but we would be lying to ourselves, wouldn't we?

Walk into that holiday dinner party with business cards that just say "No." Perhaps add a small icon of a trashcan if you want them to get the picture. Because this silly question is out of the way, you can talk about way cooler things like your differing political beliefs or your opinions on the episode of Stranger Things that only followed Eleven.

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4. High-five yourself on New Year’s instead of kissing someone

Never miss the opportunity to steal the attention away from people in relationships by making a fool of yourself. They've had it too easy for too long.  

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5. Look out a snowy window dramatically and realize that you might be the problem

Say that you'll make changes in 2018 and attempt to get to know new people. Then don't do it. This is part of your brand now. I don't make the rules.

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Cover image source: Pexels