Today is my birthday and, as I’m sure many of you can relate, the weight of old age is crushing and inescapable (I’m 21). I have never once enjoyed my birthday, and this one being a pretty large milestone only adds strength to the unbreakable bounds of reflection that wrap around my ankles. However, there was something that switched this year, something that I have never encountered on my birthday. I looked in the mirror and actually felt older. Not in the sad ‘I’m losing my youth and, therefore, my value’ way that women are conditioned to feel. I felt like an adult for the first time. This year my reflection is coated by a credence of credibility and personhood. So, to help me carry some of the weight of this lofty birthday, I thought it might be nice to write about 21 of my most important lessons in my 21 years. I am only going to provide explanation to half of them…which leads to my first lesson:
- Always leave them wanting more
- You are only as talented and dedicated as you believe yourself to be.
The second you believe you are incapable of doing something, you are. You decide your own limits in more ways than you might think.
- Find moderation in all aspects of your life…even the positive ones
- Nothing good comes out of perceived superiority.
Being young typically comes with a ‘larger than life’ mindset, and that often means that the people your age are in a constant competition with you without your knowledge and without their knowledge either. It is easy to get caught up in this belief that you must fall into the ranks somewhere, but that only leads to two realities: 1. You will grow to hate yourself by mentally putting others above you or 2. You will make others hate themselves, because you are making them feel below you.
- Consistency is the only road to lasting change.
- Comparison is not just the root to your own unhappiness, but the happiness of everyone around you.
When you compare yourself to others and feel you come up short, it fosters a sense of insecurity that only manifests negatively. Either you become pitiful and self loathing (which will never improve your sense of self because it is pathetic) or you will subconsciously project your insecurities onto others (which only comes from a place of selfish immaturity and a want for others to feel as bad about themselves as you do).
- Living with a “what could have been” mentality is the easiest and fastest way to make yourself useless and miserable.
- Patience is a virtue until you allow it to become a vice.
Do not wait around for a change in a person or situation that is never going to come. Patience in vain turns you into a doormat quicker than you’ll be able to stop it.
- If your happiness is only based on the external you will never have real control over your life.
- Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself.
When choosing friends, it is easy to put weight on qualities that are admirable (but not as important as you may think) and neglect kindness. This is mostly for myself, as I value intelligence above all else and I always have. This has led to me choosing a lot of mean people to associate with because I have put almost no value on warmth in the past. While ideally a good friend can be smart and kind and every other good quality in the book, it is definitely better to have a kind friend than an intellectual, cool, or funny one. That should always be the first quality you look for.
- Confrontation is a necessary part of maintaining any relationship.
- Everyone has been a bad friend to someone… including you.
People in life will not treat you well. It is inevitable. As hurtful as that can be, it is not okay to only see the wrong done unto you. In some relationships you may be a victim and in others you could be the one doing the hurting. The latter is a much more painful truth to reckon with, but I would argue that it is far more important. A wrong done onto you is maddening but recognizing a wrong you have done onto another is devastating. To avoid future mistakes you have to live with your failings.
- Never watch the movie Downsizing…biggest waste of time in my whole life.
- Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 am
Granted, I learned this lesson at 8 years old watching a rerun of How I Met Your Mother but I swear nothing could ever be more true. Nothing good happens after 2:00 am. I am begging you to order the Uber and just go home.
- When someone tells you something in confidence, do not make their news yours to tell.
- Understanding others is the only way to grow, even if you don’t agree.
It is easy to get lost in your own perspective in life, but the second you shut down others altogether, you are the one that is wrong. The most naive thing you could do is believe you are right beyond a shadow of a doubt. Never compromise your ideas and values for others, but you are welcoming ignorance if you don’t at least try to understand them.
- Trust your intuition.
If I had a nickel for every time I have second guessed myself and been dead right the first time around… I would be a very rich woman, and that’s all I’m going to say.
- Never choose your likes and interests around what’s “cool” and what’s not.
- Be your own best friend.
Growing up in a small town with very few friends and even fewer things to do made this an easy lesson for me, but I swear I have seen so many people unravel at the idea of being alone. You are forever going to be the coolest person you know. Enjoy that.
- You cannot allow fear to lead to indecision.
- The good, the bad, and the ugly are never that simple; life is a shade of gray.
Appreciate all the aspects, events, and people in your life that have changed you for the better, even if they weren’t always kind or good. Seeing life in black and white erases all nuance and, unfortunately, life is full of nuance. There is just no way around it. Living with that understanding will save you so much heartache, because a lot of things just don’t make sense and they never will.
Take this advice with however big or small a grain of salt as you want, afterall what do I know? I’m only 21. Anyway happy birthday to me, and thank you for listening to my musings.