I must confess: there were several times where I thought my research for this article could not continue; I would not allow myself to keep suffering this horribly acute distress. The elephant seal causes within certain individuals a feeling of corrupted existential dread, and to watch them jolt and thrust their monstrous weight across the sand was often unbearable to watch. And yet, for the sake of this article, I continued. What distinguishes these beasts as being grim and perhaps ghastly is their hideous appearance, as well as the disturbing behavior they exhibit during mating season.
This jostling species makes its home the southernmost edge of North America, often appearing along central California coasts. During the 19th century they were nearly hunted to extinction for their curvaceous blubber, although they did manage a comeback in population size during the early 20th century. These are truly massive seals we’re discussing, weighing up to 4 tons and growing up to 16 feet in length. (That is roughly the size of a Honda Civic, for example). The skin they wear is crass and blubbery, and they have dark eyes turning in their skulls (which are without ears entirely). But what grips one’s imagination most fiercely would have to be the male’s overhanging snout, a dangling fleshy organ that is known as the proboscis. This sleek shining vessel of a snout is used to warn off other males, especially during mating season, as tensions between rivals are mounting.
Each year, when December dawns upon the unexpecting coast, male seals begin arriving upon various coastlines, rolling and lurching through the sand; each one claiming yet a few square feet of territory. The arrival of this horny armada means that mating season has begun, and that a general blood-lust has begun to stir.
Within each territory claimed by an alpha bull (as they are called), there is then gathered a cluster of female seals known as a harem, which rival males will compete for control over. They say only the strong survive, and in the elephant seal’s case, this is very true. The resulting skirmishes over the lovely females are often raw, bloody, and perverse. I actually had the chance to witness firsthand some footage of the ensuing carnage, and let’s just say that I was stunned by the primordial display of viciousness and pride that surged across the breast of each pursuing male.
When an alpha male first lurched clumsily into frame, his blubbery fist appearing on the rocks, a watery sheen became my eyes and I reclined back in my seat. My jaw dropped very slowly as that slimy bean-bag of a creature crawled forth to confront his nemesis. The rest of the video is difficult to recall coherently, so I will relay the details of that sordid encounter to the best of my ability; (in broken, fragmented images): I remember plump and squarish bodies colliding in a bloody spume, the proboscis gurgling and sliding, teeth crashing on skin and the smooth blubbery ripples, the beta male as he displayed his shattered nose and fled… When the video ended I immediately sat up, wiping my fist across my forehead. The skin there was deeply creased and indented with sweat. I put the phone face-down on the counter and sat back, stroking my thumb across my chin.
Perhaps an hour later, I found myself lying in the dry warmth of my bed. As I lay there I was comforted, awarded yet a brief respite from the memory of that awful footage. But then, as midnight crept upon my helpless soul, a sudden realization seized me, and I felt a cold tightness inside my gut. I realized they were still out there. That perhaps at that very moment there lay some birthing mother, pumping out the next generation of deplorables. (Oh how the thought enraged me!) I realized that December comes round yearly, and that somewhere on the vast and nameless shore of night perhaps a cluster had begun to stir; babies sliding, squawking in the sand. The thought frightened me, and turning my head up to the window, I suddenly heard a sound not unlike the vicious and inarticulate howl of an alpha seal roaring. I ran a nervous hand over my scalp, which was very damp with sweat. I clamped my hands over my ears. And when I removed them, the sound was gone entirely.
