I grew up in a religious household, where my family practiced the Catholic religion. I went to church very often — almost every Sunday. The most religious was my grandmother. She was always alluding to God, living through the binary lens of good and evil. Her cultural and religious beliefs molded her to create a strict character. My mother is Catholic, but growing up, she was less strict, allowing me to oppose her own beliefs. The pressure to live up to ideals and expectations derived from their religious beliefs was always overwhelming. But something I appreciated from both my mom and grandmother was that they allowed me to question and were honest, admitting when they couldn’t answer my inquiries.
I began to question religion much more as a teenager, especially in high school when I became more aware of the complexity of Christianity and its roots. I hated going to the church, but I had no option. The church became an uncomfortable place where my peace was absent and confusion was persistent. The church’s hypocritical actions were enough for me to stop believing. At a young age, the narrative of salvation was not convincing or a justification for the continuance of belief in this religion. Even when I was forced to practice Catholicism, I didn’t really believe or connect with God or Jesus. I was more aligned with Virgin Mary. I would pray to her — not to God, not to Jesus, and not to any saints. Just Virgin Mary.
Eventually, my disillusionment with the Catholic religion led to distancing myself from it. Entering college, I was able to have this grace period where I could develop and learn who I was as an individual and see if I could potentially believe in the religion my family practiced. But I just couldn’t believe in it.
Over time, I became a spiritual person. I believe more in the energy of things. I call it the universe. To me, the universe is everything. A guide made up of the energy of which we are all a part of. It is complex, good, bad, and in between. It’s within nature, trees, plants, animals, oceans — all interconnected with humans. It has no gender. And though I’m still trying to define it, at least I have felt what it feels like to have faith. I did this on my terms, not forced, not pressured, but I formed it through my individual growth and my way of perceiving the world.
I don’t hate religion anymore. I simply didn’t understand it then. Being raised around religion allowed me to grasp the complexity of ethics and morality, but most importantly the intricacy of humanity. Faith allows for there to be peace. The more I grew to understand spirituality, the more I became at peace with myself. So now, when someone asks if I’m religious, I say that I’m a spiritual person.