College is meant to be an exciting time. You gain new experiences with new people while learning a lot about yourself. And chances are, along the way, you will probably start dating someone or enter into a serious relationship. Relationships can be wonderful– they teach you how to be a better person, how to compromise, and how to share your life with another person. Unfortunately, however, relationships also have the potential to be dangerous and, in some cases, lethal. Abusive relationships take many forms, from the physical to the emotional. It is important to understand the various ranges abuse can encompass and to take action when either you or someone you know suffers from some kind of abuse.
Emotional abuse is the less obvious form as it is not viewable on a victim’s body. It is, however, still just as significant as all other forms of abuse. Emotional abuse occurs when someone in the relationship uses words to manipulate the behavior of the other person. This can be done through a various means:
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Guilt trips such as, “Please don’t go on that trip, I’ll be here all by myself and then I’ll be extremely sad”.
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Rule making/ ultimatums such as, “You cannot go out dressed like that!”.
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Constant “check ups” such as, “I called you 30 times–why didn’t you answer after the third call?”.
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Constant insults/ efforts to make the other feel insecure such as, “You look ugly in that dress”.
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Death threats in the form of suicide or homicide such as, “If you leave me I’ll kill myself” or “If you ever do that again, I’ll kill you”.
People may throw some of these signs off as common jealousy or evidence of affection, but this is not the case. A healthy relationship requires trust and mutual respect. Controlling someone else to get what you want (i.e. using them as a means to an end) violates their autonomy and is a very real aspect of abuse.
Physical abuse occurs when someone uses violence to manipulate or control his/her partner. If someone lays any sort of unconsented hand on another person, that is physical abuse. This is often the idea people have in their heads when they think of abusive relationships. It is also key to recognize that not only women suffer from physical abuse. If a man is a victim of this heinous, violating crime then he is just as much worthy of help and not any less masculine.
Physical abuse demeans trust and dehumanizes an individual. If you see it, despite the genders of those involved, you should absolutely reach out to the victim and encourage them to end the relationship in the safest manner possible.
Sexual abuse is unconsented sex. It is the most threatening type of abuse to college age women, and 1 in 10 college women will experience sexual abuse. In order to prevent rape/molestation, one must understand the definition of consent. According to Merriam Webster, consent means “to give assent or approval of”. If you are under the influence, you are not in your right mind and you cannot give consent. If you change your mind, you no longer give consent. If you are coerced into saying yes, then that is not consent. If someone forces you to have sex, that is not consent. In order to have consensual sex you should always ask your partner in an open, non-threatening manner. If the answer is a solid yes that remains a yes for the whole time, that is consent.
Once we acknowledge abuse, we have to address it. If you are in an abusive situation, it is not your fault. You are deserving of love, care, and support. There are several resources through UC Irvine’s CARE Center that provide stability during this trying time. If you observe abuse, however, there are a few guidelines to be aware of. When a friend confides in you about abuse, be empathetic about his/her situation. Do not make accusatory statements such as “why did you stay?” or “how come you didn’t stop it?”. These questions place pressure on the survivor rather than the abuser. This is victim blaming and it perpetuates rape culture. Instead, be mindful of your friend’s vulnerable state and let it be known that you are always there as a shoulder to cry on. If your friend does not explicitly bring up the abuse, but you notice it anyway, talk to him/her about it. If the situation requires immediate action, seek out professional help whether it be emotional or legal. Whatever you do, don’t be a bystander. You can be the positive change in someone’s life.
Special thanks to UCI’s CARE Center for their presentation at Brisa Hall. For more information about the UCI CARE Center please visit www.care.uci.edu