As my birthday comes closer, my anxiety continues to rise more and more. I try not to think too much about it, especially since I still have a few weeks. But for some reason, the thought finds a way to the front of my mind, pushing concerns about school (and when One Direction will reunite *sigh*) to the back of my head. Like today, for example, I was dancing to some good music while showering and out of nowhere, it came into my head—uninvited. Hence, I am writing about it, hoping that by the end, I can make sense of it all.
I do not know what exactly it is about birthdays that I find a little weird. Maybe I am overthinking it (as I do with most things), but birthdays for me bring this sense of nothingness. There is this expectation to act extra happy, and when I don’t, I get left behind with disappointment. Despite being extremely lucky to have people who make it a point to celebrate the day with me, it just leaves me questioning a whole lot of things.
I wonder if it’s just that or the fact that I am further weighed down by the idea of leaving behind my teenage years. Am I finally adulting? The twelve-year-old Saleena mesmerized by her older sister turning twenty would be disappointed to learn that I am anything but excited for it.
As I get older, I’ve realized that younger me saw the world in a different hue, almost as if things were extra saturated. Skies were bluer, birds chirped louder, and the candies tasted a little sweeter. Despite moving and migrating many times as a child, I always found myself joyous, even in my own company. To blame not feeling that way anymore, entirely to growing up, is maybe my way of escaping from the harsh realities of my own life. But, sometimes, I wonder if it is true? I am barely twenty, so I may be naive in assuming that growing up is a terrible thing. Maybe it does get better at some point, or perhaps I am chasing after something that does not really exist.
As you can tell by now, my feelings about growing up are very unclear, and hence, so is this article. Even though the lingering thought of growing up does not leave my head, I want to jot down the learnings that I have accumulated in the last two decades of my life. I am sure they will change as I navigate my way in this bizarre thing called life, but for now, I would like to document this as an archive of my life.
Everyone is faking it, till they make it
As I have grown older, one relationship in my life that has altered the most is the one I share with my parents, and it continues to change day by day. Growing up in a conservative immigrant family, my relationship with my parents has always been clouded by the words “sacrifice,” “responsibility,” and “expectation.” Amidst this, I never got to know them as separate entities beyond their role as “parents.” This tainted the way I viewed them, and I almost grew a lot of resentment towards the relationship we shared.
However, I am realizing how flawed and unfair it is to box them into this category and expect them to be perfect. I mean, they are also trying to navigate life without any roadmap. I have also learned that nobody has their life figured out. Sure, some may feel more content and comfortable than others, but everyone is “faking it till they make it.” I am not sure how much validity lies in that sentiment, but it helps me when my anxiety about the future makes me feel immovable. Hence, I consider this one of my most important learning experiences!
(Also, if you connect to the story about my relationship with my parents, I highly recommend the song Older by Sasha Sloan).
Being alone is not synonymous with loneliness!
As a young girl, I relished in my own company. The thought of being by myself brought me a whole lot of joy rather than fear. I was in the company of my toys, which I used to call my imaginary friends. Now, as you’re reading this, you might be thinking how sad that is, but in my eyes, it wasn’t. It was my entire world. As I transitioned into my teenage years while simultaneously immigrating to the United States, I had quite literally mastered the skill of being alone and enjoying it.
However, coming to college has been an extremely isolating feeling, and many times I catch myself wanting some form of companionship. Whether it’s sitting at the park by myself to do homework every day or simply grabbing lunch by myself, I constantly feel scared for some odd reason. As the days have gone by, I have gone back to being that girl who genuinely enjoys her own company.
Don’t get me wrong, I like being around people, especially my loved ones, who I have been lucky to call friends. However, at any gathering or social event, I can feel my social battery dropping low, and when I come back, I feel so drained. After I am back, I sit and analyze every word I spoke during that day and dread what people thought of me. In times like that, I find solace within myself. Getting to know yourself is not so bad after all!
Some days it is okay to simply exist
There was a time in my life when I had the quote “Do more than just exist” as my wallpaper on my phone. I think it was supposed to motivate me every day to live life to the fullest. I do not think I agree with that anymore.
Productivity is something that I have always wanted to have as my asset. I wanted to be the person who did not waste an hour or day and continuously pushed hard. But the more I did that, I began associating my self-worth with the number of checkmarks next to the to-do list on my planner.
As a first-generation student, feeling like an imposter at all times is what I think drives my need to do everything at once. The weight of your parents’ expectations mixed with your feelings of guilt sometimes makes you work extra hard to prove that you deserve to be here, even if it’s at the cost of your mental well-being.
To be honest, this is still an ongoing cycle, and it’s been the hardest thing for my brain to unlearn. But as I grow older, I am trying to allow myself to just be at times. Some days, it is okay to simply exist!
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I hope that I understand myself a bit more as the years go by and continue to learn and unlearn things about myself and the world. :) If you have made it this far and also kind of despise your birthdays, feel free to reach out to me at saleenad@uci.edu