My first year of college was very hard on my emotional state when I found myself leaving family members behind to move into my dorm. Though Irvine was not on the other side of the world from my family, on bad days it really felt like it was. I had to go through multiple breakdowns during my first quarter at UCI before I began to better cope with the absence of my family and the guilt when I had decided to leave them behind when I chose UCI. I had brought this upon myself so I wondered why I was feeling so sad about it.
It was not until my last quarter of my first year in college that I voiced these feelings to my mom. I knew my family wanted the best for me and that UCI was becoming exactly that. Yet something inside me, perhaps the voice of my insecurities, was constantly telling me that I had purposely and selfishly left my family behind. While I enjoyed myself and delved into the college life, my family, more specifically my mom, painfully adjusted to my absence. Not having me around was a major change, as my mom expressed, and one that would change her daily life, even in the present day.
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My mom expressed the words I needed to hear the most–that I had left my family behind because I was simply following my dreams and it meant being apart for a little while. She said that all things worth doing are difficult or else anyone would be able to do everything in this world. Being apart from each other was just part of the process. This didn’t mean that I had completely forgotten them or that I was selfish in doing so. I realized she was right and that moment was the beginning of changing my perspective and feelings about my decision to come to UCI.
With winter break ending so soon recently, the same thoughts began to formulate in my mind. It takes a lot for me to not feel like I am leaving my family behind once more after getting them used to having me around. It is very hard to continue to visit home. It is still home but we only visit: visitors in our own homes. I was told by some people when I first came into college that homesickness decreases with time. I have definitely learned to cope with it when it comes. But there are days when it feels just as strong as it did when I first came into UCI. There is always that part of you missing and leaving family behind to pursue your dreams can be one of the hardest decisions you have to make so far in your life.