Never in my life has the label of “Oldest Daughter Syndrome” clicked in my brain as something that would apply to my life until I finally came to college and had time to think about what people actually mean when they talk about this popular phenomenon. Naturally, being the oldest child in a family can come along with the brunt of the familial, academic, and social pressure for anyone, however this specific occurrence of female (mainly POC) oldest daughters feeling especially overwhelmed by all that their families expect from them is very present in my life, and the lives of many of my fellow POC oldest daughters. This is not to say that all oldest daughters’ labor and achievements are underappreciated and overlooked compared to their male counterparts (though this is the case for many), however, the one thing that we all have in common is the unspoken understanding that we have no business making any mistakes in life.
This may sound a little dramatic, but parents simultaneously think the world of that oldest daughter while also forgetting that she is a human being with flaws and feelings who can’t always do it all. As their firstborn, their pride and joy, you have a responsibility to dedicate your life to being as close to perfection as possible! There is a common joke in family dynamics that I enjoy witnessing that goes along the lines of parents throwing parties for their sons for taking out the trash once, while their burnt-out, PhD-receiving daughter with a 401K and her own start-up (who buys and wraps all the Christmas presents) gets a cute pat on the head. This is usually because the oldest daughter was already expected to be perfect, so when she excels it isn’t as big of an excitement as when their sons do, but this can be really harmful to the mental health of oldest daughters.
Psychological research has identified the main characteristics of oldest daughters and their response to the role’s pressures as having a “continuous urge to become flawless” and an “unhealthy competitive attitude”. It is widely accepted that this familial role comes with a significant amount of pressure on the oldest daughter to be the perfect role model for their siblings. Additionally, oldest daughters will usually be expected to take on the most amount of domestic responsibilities around the household such as cleaning and cooking and generally acting as a sort of second mother to their younger siblings. But why, you may ask, does this role not have the same effect on oldest sons? This is simply due to the fact that girls in this eldest child role are expected to be more responsible and care for their other siblings, emulating the role of their mother in a way that male children will never be expected to.
I have definitely felt the presence and reality of this phenomenon in my own life, as quite a lot of perfection has always been expected of me as the oldest child and only girl in a POC family. However, I think that this role is a double-edged sword, as many traits I have inherited from it are the ones that make me who I am and that I am very proud of, while also aspects of the aforementioned pressure can negatively affect my mental health and contribute a lot to my feelings of anxiety. There are parts that I appreciate and parts that I resent, but I think a pivotal moment in any oldest daughter’s life comes when she no longer lives with her family and has the freedom to find out who she is and what she likes without all that pressure of constantly having to be someone’s picture perfect role model 24/7. That pressure will always exist in your life if you have the same familial position as I do, but I’ve learned to appreciate this time in my life where I can have a little more independence than I did in high school that I can use to start trying to find myself, make the mistakes I felt I never could, and finally be able to have fun without feeling guilty about it. Taking care of your family can be an amazing thing, but I never knew taking care of myself for the first time would be so refreshing.