As I approach my 21st solar return, I feel as though I have already lived a million different lives. I am on track to become the woman I was meant to be. I am proud of the woman I am and the woman I’m intended to be, but I have not lost any of the versions of the girl I used to be.
Inside of me, there still lives an 8 year old girl that loves drawing and playing dress up in her mom’s closet. There still lives a 12 year old girl that is excited to learn and eager to grow up. There still lives a 14 year old girl that is desperately trying to navigate her body through its rapid changes and trying to find her true friends in the world. There still lives a 16 year old girl that doesn’t understand how boys could be so mean or why her mother still treats her like a child when she feels she has earned her right as a woman.
Inside of me, there still lives an 18 year old young woman that is struggling to find her footing in the world. If she were sitting in front of me, I would ask her to take a deep breath, remind her that everything always ends up okay, and give her some of the wisdom I wished I had then.
If I had the chance, this is what I would tell 18 year old me.
1. Hating Yourself Is Exhausting
It takes so much energy to hate yourself. Cumulatively, I’ve spent days staring at myself in the mirror and picking apart all of the things that I thought were wrong with me, and it was so tiring. I spent hours curled up in my bed, crying after comparing myself to others and exerting myself to the point of exhaustion. There comes a day that you realize you have to accept yourself. You have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin, to recognize that you are different from everyone else, to realize that what you consider your flaws are the things that set you apart. You have to take care of your body, your mind, and your spirituality. You have to love yourself. You need to love yourself. Loving yourself is energizing, it’s beautiful, and it opens you to love from the universe.
2. Embrace Your Sensitivity
Abolish your cool girl complex. Stop letting people get away with the things they do or say to you. Remember that we teach people the way we want to be treated. Continuing on with a smile and an “it’s okay” every time your feelings are hurt teaches them to continue treating you this way.
I have been an extremely sensitive soul from the day I was born. Maybe it’s my writer’s brain, but I have always felt every emotion so deeply and strongly. In my teenage years, I tried my best to deny myself of these emotions. I didn’t react to things in the way I wanted to because of a fear of scaring off those around me. I felt that if I showed someone the true complexity of my mind, it would drive them away or they wouldn’t value the depth of my feelings.
It took me a few years to tap into that sensitivity again, to learn that vulnerability is a beautiful thing, to find my voice when I have loud emotions that need to be heard, to remember that those who won’t listen to them aren’t worth talking to. I love being sensitive. I love feeling different emotions and experiencing them so deeply it consumes me from time to time. I love talking about these things and solving them with the people I love instead of allowing myself to continue being hurt.
3. It’s Okay If You Don’t Have It Figured Out
Read that again. It is okay if you don’t have everything figured out. In fact, it’s extremely normal. The truth is, the majority of us have no idea what we’re doing, even years later. The beauty of growing up is finding out who you are and figuring out who you want to be. Take the time to learn about yourself, rediscover parts of yourself that you hid away, and start there.
I know that you are desperate to get out of your hometown, the place that broke your heart more times than you can count, the place that you feel has turned its back on you time after time. I know you want to get a start on your new life, create the world that you have always dreamt of creating for yourself. I know it’s hard, it’s frustrating, but slow down. Breathe. Revel in the stagnancy.
There will come a time where life feels like it’s moving too fast, even for you, and you will yearn for this slowness again. Society has spent decades convincing us that we should have our lives figured out at age 18, when the reality is, we’re just barely starting out. Allow yourself the time to figure it out on your own terms.
4. Be Nicer to Your Mom
Our whole lives, the idea that age 18 is the magic age is ingrained in our minds. 18 means being a grown up, and being a grown up means no longer answering to our parents. At 18, I constantly felt that I was going head-to-head with my mom.
My mother is the sweetest woman I have ever known, but 18 year old me didn’t see her that way. I saw her as an obstacle, a roadblock between me and the journey of adulthood. I rebelled against her, I didn’t listen to her anymore, and the most heartbreaking to me, I wasn’t always nice to her.
My mother is the woman that taught me to be a woman. She taught me how to walk, to read, to love and to care for others. When I felt like the world was caving in on me, she held me and reminded me things would be okay. When it felt like everyone was against me, she was always the one person on my team. I owe her everything. If I could go back in time, I would treat her with the same care and respect that she taught me to give everyone around me.
5. Be Nicer to Your Friends
While persevering through my own struggles, I caught myself being unkind to those around me. I was unhappy with myself (which is no excuse) to the point that I took it out on others. I felt that I was going through it all alone, and it took me a while to realize that my friends were all carrying their own weight on their shoulders. We were all battling our own personal battles that we felt nobody else understood.
I was lucky enough to find lifelong friends in my earlier adolescence, friends that I would go on to call my family. There were moments that we were disagreeable with each other, but we put in the effort to understand each other’s struggles and find ways to care for one another.
6. Not Everything Is The End of The World, But It’s Okay If It Feels Like It Is
More times than not, the things that feel like a catastrophe now, won’t matter in five months. Sometimes, all the wind gets knocked out of you, or at least it feels that way when you’re 18. Even if we’ll look back on these moments in a year and laugh, we must embrace the way that we feel when we’re going through them.
Back to embracing our sensitivity, it’s important to sit in these difficult emotions and allow ourselves to feel them. Cry about things, even if it’s silly. Allow yourself to be hurt, to be angry, to experience things the way your body is telling you to. Don’t dwell on the small things for too long, but give value to your own emotions. Feel, but remind yourself you won’t feel like this forever.
7. Let Go of The Past
After a certain point, we often learn that things or people no longer serve us. That’s okay. Life is a continuous cycle of love and loss, and we have to equip ourselves with the tools to deal with both. When things go wrong, when we experience this loss, we continue to damage ourselves by holding on to this hurt and anger. We must learn to let go. We have to recognize that these things are part of our pasts, they are simply experiences that help mold us into the divine being we are meant to be. Life is full of lessons, but you must look at them that way. We must learn to forgive. Holding hatred in your heart damages your soul and this negativity can consume us.
8. Learn How to Appreciate Being Alone
At 18, I had a major case of FOMO. Missing out on any social interaction made me feel like my friends would forget about me, like my absence one night would seal the deal on them never inviting me out again. Maybe it stemmed from a fear of abandonment or a fear of being alone, but being at home while watching my friends have fun via Snapchat stories was torture for me, even if I truly did want to be alone that night.
It took me years to appreciate the art of being alone, to allow myself to be surrounded by only my own thoughts without allowing them to suffocate me, and to become comfortable with the silence. Being alone was once one of my greatest fears, until I learned that there is solace in solitude. Now, spending time by myself has become a way that I recharge and provide necessary care for myself. I live for a night in with a facemask, a good movie, and the knowledge that my friends will welcome me with open arms the next time I feel like going out.
9. Nurture Your Soul
As we enter adulthood, we tend to lose the childlike wonder that we once had. Most of us may lose ourselves, our interests, and our passions over the years. In my teenage years, I stopped writing. I was so busy stressing over trivial things like my body, my friendships, and the nightmare that is teenage boys that I stopped feeding my passions. I stopped doing things that brought me joy out of fear of seeming childish or immature.
I’ve learned that we don’t have to give up the things we like doing just because we are on the brink of adulthood. In the wise words of Sylvia Plath, “I must bridge the gap between adolescent glitter and mature glow.” Find the ways to incorporate the things you loved as a child into your adult life. With all of the changes we undergo as we grow up, we do not have to give up the things that are life giving to us. Nurture your soul and take care of your inner child, they will thank you.
10. Nurture Your Body
In the wake of hating myself, I made my body endure abuse. I was gifted this beautiful vessel that allows my soul to experience life, yet I hated it. I was consistently cruel to myself, denying my body the proper nourishment and care that it required. I forgive myself for putting my body through hell, but I wish I could reverse it.
When I feel myself falling into these habits now, I try to imagine myself as a little girl again. If younger me was put into my care now, I would take care of her. I would recognize that she deserved care, compassion, joy, and most importantly—food. I would nurture her in a way that I denied myself for many years. If I could accept that this young girl deserved nourishment, how could I deny myself that now?
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It’s okay to be scared, to not know what you’re doing, to feel alone sometimes, but you will never get this time back. All we have is now. Say what you feel, wear what you want, take care of your body and your mind, and have fun.