Yesterday, I attended a networking event hosted by myself for my pre-law fraternity. At this event, I asked one of the guests for some advice about my future aspirations to become an attorney. He responded that I had to “keep my head up” and try not to worry so much about the future. He claimed that nothing was too serious and everything would work out one day.
While this is good advice, coming from a man and a White male at that, it was hard to take this in. As an Asian-American female trying to enter the legal profession, I’m no stranger to the adversity and discrimination I have and will face in my future. Even if I work at the same caliber with the same determination, skills, and talent as my white, male coworker, he’ll most likely make partner before me. Even if I win cases or litigate with force and power, I’ll still always be reduced to my racial and sexual identity, rather than my abilities as an attorney. Hopefully, this reality will change in the future, but as of right now, I seriously doubt it.
A quote from Charlotte Whitton sums this up well: “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.”
I’ll always have to put in 150% just to be seen as maybe 50% of a man’s work. Especially given common Asian female stereotypes, such as the “docile, quiet, shy” trope and the “submissive” ideal of the Asian woman, entering a field, especially in litigation, where talking, arguing, and debating is so crucial will not be easy. It makes me afraid of the future, afraid of who I will be, the people I will meet, and the challenges I will face. People tell me to “be brave” and “toughen up” but to my core, I shouldn’t have to grow a thick skin just to feel comfortable in my work environment.
I currently work at a boutique law firm as an assistant. Although we have one female attorney and one female assistant aside from myself, the days I come in are predominantly filled with male attorneys and assistants. I don’t feel like I fit in with the rough, arrogant, and aggressive style of law that I’ve come to know from the attorneys and clients we work with. It makes me afraid of the future. Right now, I’m just an assistant, but if I want to become a real attorney one day, this reality I currently live in will be upscaled and engorged at a much larger scale. I can’t figure out how to balance my self-preservation and sensitive personality with the harsh, cruel environment of this field.
Of course, not all attorneys and not all men are like this. I just have come to know from a skewed perspective what it’s like to work with predominantly men, not just at my legal job but also at my other jobs and student organizations. I often feel trampled on, unable to speak, or feel comfortable to pitch ideas. I’m constantly afraid of getting yelled at or told I’m too quiet or working too slowly. I’m an introvert by nature but, when I am placed in a working environment, I have been forced to come out of my shell and be loud and active. It’s hard to make such a sudden shift in my personality every single day but I’ve been told countless times I won’t get anywhere being quiet.
Learning to stand up for myself has always been a very difficult challenge for me. When I got yelled at by my male boss at Subway in high school, I would just take it and often run to the bathroom for some deep breaths, meditation, or even some mental breakdowns. However, I would always emerge with a smile on my face, albeit with a little less mascara than before. But over time, I’ve learned that I can’t just let people walk all over me. It’s hard to know where the tenuous balance is between advocating for yourself and avoiding “talking back” or complaining to the point where you can not only get yelled at even more or fired, but also fitting into the “overdramatic, insane” female stereotype that is so common these days.
A woman talking loudly is seen as “belligerent” and “hostile” while a man talking at the same decibel is seen as “powerful” and “determined.” It’s an unfortunate reality that women across all fields face; the legal field is definitely no exception and may even be considered one of the most conservative out of the white-collar professions.
To this day, female politicians like AOC are cut down for their ability to speak out, but their male equivalents are praised and lauded by the media. It all makes me scared for the future and what the workforce will look like. Women are still underpaid compared to men, making even less than their male counterparts depending on their race and other aspects of their identity. Women still face victim-blaming, fear of speaking up against men, sexual harassment, and constant belittling. It’s ridiculous to expect a woman to be able to stand up for themselves if their male coworkers and bosses will just cut them down and silence them. As a woman, I shouldn’t have to be afraid to voice my opinions or report an incident. I shouldn’t have to face a man telling me that I’m lying or being overdramatic. I shouldn’t have to work harder than physically and mentally possible just to be on the same standing as a man.
This Women’s History Month, let us all remember the hardships, trials, and tribulations that women go through every single day in the workforce, in universities, and in life. I pray that the future will be different for me and for all the women around me and those who will come after me.