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The Week’s Top 5 Craziest Stories

From the politically amusing to the pop culturally serious, here are five of this week’s breaking news pieces that you might have missed. 

1. Clint Eastwood at the Republican National Convention

In case you weren’t aware, Barack Obama has the superpower of invisibility. At least according to Clint Eastwood’s presentation on Aug. 30 at the Republican National Convention, where he turned toward an empty chair and addressed the absent president with lengthy remarks spanning topics both irrelevant and otherwise, even admonishing The President Who Wasn’t There with a sassy “I’m not going to shut up, it’s my turn.” But it’s okay because Eastwood totally saved it at the end by yelling “We own this country!”, sending the nearly all-white, over-forty crowd into tender, fangirly sobs.

2. Jersey Shore Cancelled After Six Seasons

Alas, the rise and fall of the GTL empire. MTV has confirmed this season’s run as the last for the network’s charmingly notorious, kind-of-Italian bar-hopping crew. Fist-pump through the tears during the Sept. 6 special Gym, Tan, Look Back, which features riveting cast interviews and a sneak peak at season six, and then catch the final season premiere airing Oct. 4. 

3. Maple Syrup Heist 

St. Louis-De-Blandford, Quebec, August 2012. A group of as of yet unidentified thieves made off with approximately thirty million dollars in maple syrup from a particularly well-stocked warehouse, dispelling any stereotypes that Canadians are incapable of sheer criminal badassery. With Quebec producing up to 80% of the world’s maple syrup, law enforcement authorities are taking the crime seriously. Police are currently investigating a local group of lumberjacks, probably. 

4. Oscar Pistorius, Faster Than You

This year’s Paralympics witnessed the setting of a new world record in the T44 200-meter event. Oscar Pistorius surpassed his previous time with a dashing 21.33 seconds, adding to his athletic reputation as the first amputee to compete in the Olympics during this year’s bout at the London games. Pistorius is known as the Blade Runner among fans not because he eliminates artificial intelligence bodies in a futuristic society, but because he runs with carbon fiber legs as a result of his being born without fibulas in both lower limbs. 

5. Don’t Eat Those Mangoes 

Approximately one million mangoes have been identified as potentially contaminated with salmonella, which is, unfortunately, not a really cute name for off-pink nail polish but a horrible bacterial infection capable of causing fever, death, or even cramps. The mangoes in question, harvested in Mexico, have been recalled after being sold at stores like Costco, Food 4 Less, and Ralphs. Several such cases have also cropped up in Canada and California. All we’re saying is, if you want to eat a Daniella-stickered mango sold between July 12 and August 29…don’t

1. http://swampland.time.com/2012/08/31/in-the-line-of-fire-the-clint-eastw…
2. http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20625667,00.html
3. http://news.yahoo.com/police-investigate-massive-maple-syrup-theft-15402…
4. http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-09-01/smyth-pistorius-set-paralympics…
5. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/olympics/news/9515233/Paralympics-2012-…
6. http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2012/08/30/up-to-1-million-mangoes-recalle…
7. http://www.cdc.gov/salmonella/general/index.html

1. http://media.masslive.com/entertainment/photo/11504731-large.jpg
2. http://www.remotepatrolled.com/2010/04/shore-is-good/
3. http://healthyvoyager.com/2.0/2010/06/14/if-you-don%e2%80%99t-prevent-ca…
4. http://www.metro.co.uk/olympics/910373-oscar-pistorius-and-ellie-simmond…
5. http://beforeitsnews.com/food-and-farming/2012/08/mangoes-in-canada-sick…

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Aleyni Cerezo

UC Berkeley

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