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Does My Horoscope Measure Up?

Do you think horoscopes are rubbish? Do you check them religiously every morning? Or are they something you just like to cast a glance over while sitting in a coffee shop and read out loud to friends to make them cringe? Frankly, the only interest I have in my horoscope is the fact that I am a capricorn, which may be one of the best and silliest designs ever concieved (though I admit I am biased).

Regardless, today I decided to check out astrologyzone.com for my January 2017 horoscope in order to see how my month measured up against the expectations of the universe (or at least, the expectations of Susan Miller’s article). Sit tight, this could get existential.

Horoscope: It’s birthday time, and although you often wave off questions about how you will spend your birthday, this year you may actually be thinking of letting go and planning special fun for your big day.

For my birthday, I’ll admit I did brush off queries about my plans. All I planned on doing was curling up with a glass of Riesling and watching Marvel’s Jessica Jones, but my roommate had a plan for me that involved nine friends, her specialty chai tea cake, vodka, and Cards Against Humanity. Guess what? I had a great time! 50% for partial correctness.

Horoscope: You have power and weight these days, and VIPs will be listening to all you have to say.

Horoscope, are you calling me fat? I suppose that was a safe bet post-Christmas, but still, rude! 40% for partial correctness and a well-timed jab.

Horoscope: Pluto rules the foundations of things, so you are now building the foundation to your future.

Yeah sure horoscope, I’m going to work on building a foundation of better diet and excercise after that last comment of yours. I’ll stop being a goat fish and become a goat mermaid! Dropping the score to 20%, for ulterior motives.

Horoscope: Pluto rules treasures that are not visible, but rather buried deep down in the earth and must be extracted and refined before they can be used for gain. Diamonds are one example, oil is another. You have talents within you, and during this trend, they can be brought to light if you commit to developing them.

So, following this analogy: first my talents must die, be buried under layers and layers of emotional sediment, pressurized by the stress-fueled fires of my core, extracted by industrial drills, then processed for sale to the everyday consumer? 10% for romanticizing diamond and big oil companies.

Horoscope: If you are self-employed, you can now generate new business and also gently raise your rates.

Well, I did get a commission to do illustrations for a children’s book this month… 60% for surprise accuracy at the end.


So, for an overall average score of 72%, I pass the verdict that horoscopes are kind of fun to read, but you shouldn’t completely rely on them. If you keep on living your life and making good choices, then you don’t need the stars to guide you.


Photo Credit: crystalinks.com


Avery is a second-year student at the University of British Columbia, where she is exploring her innumerable and possibly not very practical interests. She hails from the Cowichan Valley on Vancouver Island and has plans to do much more travelling before she gets too tired. If given a choice she would much rather have gone to Hogwarts, but readily admits that UBC is a close second. Her most notable talent is an uncanny ability to quote Hamilton during almost any conversation.
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