If you haven’t actually lived it, you know someone who has. This is the usual story where the girl falls for the guy who can’t commit to her. It’s usually undefined, complicated, and buried deep under some heavy baggage and trust issues. And of course she can leave him at any time, but she can’t turn away from him yet knowing that there may be a chance that he wants her. Maybe you also know what it’s like to be on the other side: unable to solidify a relationship yet unable to be alone. And if you aren’t a traditional fuckboy and actually have a heart, you probably feel like shit leading someone on like that.
Unfortunately, I have been on both sides of the spectrum. Both completely suck, but they give me a lot of insight into how the other party must have felt. Let me enlighten you.
Being the More Invested One
Oh God, how do I even start explaining this feeling? Your heart feels heavy as you carry around all this love that you could share with this person, but you have to constantly bottle it up like a dark secret. You are willing to spend as much time as is necessary commuting to their house just to spend an hour with them. You are the only one putting in effort to make this work, and you know that, but you’re conflicted knowing that if you stop working that hard you may lose him. All your friends know about you two and ask, “When are you guys going to be official?” You laugh and say, “who knows” because you genuinely have no idea, and the thought that it might never happen breaks your heart. But you have to play it cool and pretend you don’t feel that way about him; you’re just hooking up and you can’t have him knowing you want more in the risk of losing him. Your best friend tells you to let him go, move on, and stop torturing yourself, but how on earth do you muster up the courage to do that? He obviously cares about you since he’s been with you for this long (right?), so maybe there’s hope? That’s the only thing you hold onto: hope. You sacrifice so much time, money, and mental capacity just to make sure he’s happy, yet you are suffering more than you can comprehend. You don’t understand why he can’t just let himself fall for you, and you believe you might be able to fix him if he lets you – then you two could have the perfect Nicholas Sparks movie ending. But it doesn’t work that way. Trust me.
Being the Less Invested One
No one really thinks about the person who’s not as invested in the fling. We usually just define them as a fuckboy or an asshole without considering that this might not be the whole story. Sometimes it’s the girl with the deep-rooted issues who can’t seem to define the relationship. It is terrible being the one who can’t go further with someone who really loves you. You’re torn between wanting the company and wanting the distance. Usually there’s a reason why you find you can’t commit to this guy – a traumatic past or a traumatic ex. Or maybe you were the one who was more invested in the past. Your chest feels hollow and you have a persistent sinking feel in your stomach as you face all your demons. You know you like him, and there’s definitely a connection there because you can talk for hours without getting bored, but the thought of letting yourself fall for him scares you or makes you nauseated. What if you get hurt again? What if you never recover this time? You constantly tell yourself that he’s great for you: he’s kind, he cares about you, and he can help you trust again. Why can’t you just let him? What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you let yourself be happy? These questions endlessly circle through your mind, breaking you down slowly and f*cking you up even more. And the worst part: you know that you’ve fucked him up too. Now you’ll be the reason he can’t trust anyone, and that is psychologically damaging to you, too. You want to let him go and stop leading him on, but you’re selfish and you’re not ready to let him leave yet because you know that he’ll stay if you say nothing. So you say nothing, but you know it can’t be like this forever.
Now, maybe your situation is different – after all, this is just my personal experience. However, if you find yourself being hurt more than you are being cared for, something is wrong. And if you think you’re stringing someone along for your own sake, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate what you’re putting them through.