I have had a chronic illness for years, but this previous semester, it hit really hard. As a result, my grades were worse than ever before, and I missed a lot of class. But by far the worst part was the number of days where I just did not feel like myself.
Since I am no closer to an answer, I am doing the only thing I know how to do, which is to try again. I know I am not the only person in this situation, so I made this list of the best advice and coping skills I have encountered over the years.
- You get to have literally whatever attitude you want.
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Have you ever been instructed to “think positive”? Told your attitude is the key to solving all of your physical health problems? What about complaining – have you met someone who, even on their best days, always finds something to complain about?
This is your body and your life. You can approach the situation with whatever attitude you feel like having. Not feeling positive today? Don’t fake it! That will just hurt more! If you want to vent for all eternity, find someone who will listen and go to it. If focusing on the small joys in life or reminding yourself that things could be worse makes you feel better, do that! You cannot cure physical health problems with a change of attitude, but what you can do is ease stress by changing how you look at things. Different outlooks work for different people, so experiment. Your attitude is your tool to use however you want.
I personally feel best hanging somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. I like looking for small joys during a rough day. But I also will not deny how bad I feel in the name of positivity. I think I might lose my sanity if I did that.
- Know your limits, and respect them.
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Modern society teaches us that we should be able to do anything and everything. Nobody can actually do this, it isn’t just you. I know a lot of people who push themselves to a breaking point to fulfill expectations, whether those expectations come from society, their peers, or even themselves. This just makes everything worse.
You can accomplish more in life if you set limits. That’s because they keep you from getting hurt. If you take care of yourself today, you will be able to live life again tomorrow; you won’t have to spend tomorrow recovering from overdoing it today. University is notorious for pushing people’s boundaries, so it is especially important for you to take time and define what your limits are and how you will respect them. It is also important to learn to stand up for yourself. As someone who is still waiting on a formal diagnosis, I worry about these conversations because I don’t have much “evidence.” Thankfully in my experience, a lot of people have just respected me for coming to them ahead of time, and have been willing to work with me just based on that.
- Don’t feel shitty for having said limits.
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If anyone makes you feel guilty, inferior or bad in any way for being sick, that person is the one being bad. If society is making you feel guilty, inferior or bad for not being able to keep up with its achievement standards, rest assured that even a healthy person isn’t usually able to do all that, so it’s a load of crap anyway. If you are making yourself feel bad, that’s unfortunately natural, but the good thing is, it is completely unnecessary. “Don’t feel shitty” is easier said than done, but the fact is you have nothing to feel shitty about. Further, feeling guilty causes stress, and stress makes most illness symptoms worse, as well as shortening your life and weakening your heart. So devoting energy to figuring out how not to feel bad is a very good use of your time. See a therapist, talk to a friend, practice positive self-talk, do literally anything and everything to stop yourself from feeling guilty, as guilt will make everything worse.
- If you have good days, enjoy the shit out of them.
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If you are gifted with one of those days where you have fewer symptoms than normal, notice it and take advantage. While you may want to be as productive as possible, catching up on missed work, etc., I encourage you to also use it doing things that you just love. If it’s your first good day in a month and all you want to do is hang out with your friends and do nothing, go for it. It is so easy to feel like you’re drowning by trying to keep up with a workload and life load meant for a healthy person, but doing things just because they make you happy has just as much value as catching up on the required things like dishes.
- It is possible that there is something beautiful about this whole situation. (It’s also possible that there is not, and that’s okay too!)
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When I was fifteen, I started figure skating. Those first few years put me to the test – I couldn’t skate for more than a few laps without getting nauseated, I literally fainted over the side of a hockey box once, etc, etc. I knew as soon as I saw how hard it was that it was way too precious to give up. I still have daily symptoms, but after years of work with my doctor, my coaches and myself, I can spin, jump, and if it’s a good day, run a two-minute program.
I have a love for this sport that rests completely on my ability to do it, not in what I do with it. The number one compliment I’ve gotten about my skating is that I look content and peaceful when I’m doing it. I once had a coach describe it as “ethereal.” I credit this to the fact that it is ethereal, in fact sometimes I still wonder if it’s a dream; I did not ever expect to be able to do this. Some skaters go their entire careers and do triples and Nationals and a million things I will never do, but don’t get this happy from it.
So yeah, symptoms fucking suck and I wish none of us had them, but if you are a silver-lining type of person, there it is.
- Do your best to take care of yourself in whatever ways you can.
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Last semester, I gave up a little. I remember a conversation with my mom where she was on my case for staying up too late, eating lots of junk food and spending all my time with an abusive friend. I said, “I’ve spent lots of my life eating right, sleeping on a schedule and exercising daily, and I still felt shitty. What’s the point?” This was a serious low. ‘What’s the point’ is just not something I say.
If you are going through a “what’s the point” moment, I am not going to argue with you, because I get it. In fact, part of taking care of yourself is allowing yourself to have that moment. Ask what the point is…then look for an answer. If you have abusive friends, ditch them; if you are ever told “this is in your head,” “you are dramatic,” “this is your fault,” “you need to shut up, think positive and eat more veggies and then you’ll be fine,” tell those people to fuck off. Look for people who are loving, genuine, and know how to make you smile, and if you are lucky enough to find them, surround yourself with them. If you’re comfortable, tell them about your illness; support systems make everything less bad. For me, even though the classic eating well and exercising isn’t going to make my symptoms go away, going through those motions does make me feel better emotionally, so I’ve gone back to doing it when I’m able. After all, my mom is always right, and she did tell me not to give up.
- “This is just what we’re working with.”
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During a family crisis when I was in high school, I had a very hard time in my calculus class, turning in assignments and going to class. In the beginning, I apologized to that teacher. But she refused to accept that apology. She said, every time, “This is just what we’re working with.” She said this is life; life is hard and life happens all the time. There’s no need to compare yourself, no need to assign fault, and if you are trying your best, there is no need to quantify the outcome as bad or good. She told me all that mattered to her was that I did the best I could while taking care of myself. And she said math was not about doing things right the first time; it was about failing, then “picking yourself up by the bootstraps,” then perhaps failing again, then trying again, and not just trying a second time; trying until you were happy. And if that takes your whole life, then that’s just life.
This mindset has become how I approach every day of my life. Look at the facts. Let emotions rise and fall like the tides. Feel however you feel, but at the end of the day, keep the truth in mind and try not to freak out any more than necessary.
We got this, my friends. If you are reading this, I am rooting for you, and I sincerely wish you the healthiest, happiest semester of your life.