The first time a “friend” of mine repeatedly cancelled plans, ignored me for multiple days, and then wanted to act like best friends again the next time we were at work, she told me she was an introvert. Having a history of both extroversion and introversion myself, I said, “Oh, I can feel that way too, I totally get you!”
But there is something called human decency. Regardless of how introverted or extroverted a person may be, they can still use it freely. If they choose not to use it, as was the case with this particular friend, their problem is not that they’re an introvert — introversion is neither a problem nor a personality flaw. Their problem is that they’re an asshole.
In recent years, society has in many ways become much more accepting of introverts. Quiet folks, who were once seen as weird or antisocial, are more understood in mainstream society as people have been more open about having a lack of social energy. This is a good change and an important one. But as assholes do, some have taken advantage of this, and now we have large numbers of people who show no consideration for others, then try to excuse it by saying, “lol sorry, you know me, I’m just such an introvert.”
True introverts have the capacity to love and care for people, just as much as any extrovert. If you call your introverted best friend and they don’t feel like talking, they can typically be bothered to shoot you a “hey don’t feel like talking on the phone, what’s up?” text. If you ask your introverted best friend to go to a wild party with you and they say no, it will likely not be too long before you get to see them again, because they know it is important to make some amount of time for you; perhaps a night in or a brief coffee date, if they hate parties. If your friend, who lives four minutes from you A) Doesn’t respond after you repeatedly ask to hang out B) Hits you with “Since I’m such an introvert, my best friend and I haven’t seen each other in seven years, etc” and C) Posts on Facebook about their fun times watching the entirety of Netflix in a single month, and how bored they are now that it’s over, then your friend is probably an asshole.
In an age where texting and Facebook lets us keep in touch with each other without ever seeing each other’s faces or even hearing each other’s voices, it’s increasingly easy to slip into a 2-D existence and forget that breathing the same air as your friends is even a thing. I was recently re-watching Sex and the City and I was utterly fascinated by the way that when all those women wanted to talk to each other, they would pick up the phone and call. I remembered back in the early 2000s when, if I wanted to talk to a friend, I would spend five minutes standing at my landline, practicing saying “Hi, this is Blaine, can I please talk to Maddie?” so I would be ready in that terrifying moment when my friend’s parents picked up. We didn’t have texting available; if I wanted to talk to Maddie before seeing her at school the next morning, there was no other way. So I faced the phone because I loved her. I’m not saying that those with phone anxiety should punish themselves by sticking to phone calls when texting is an option; I think every set of friends, family, coworkers; every relationship should communicate in whatever way works for them. But I do think it’s harmful when those who are able refuse to let their relationships exist in 3-D and real-time. We are wired to need in-person human connection. No amount of time on the internet can change that or fulfill it.
I have met so many people who go around saying, “I just don’t like people.” Guess what? Even introverts don’t hate people. They may get their energy drained from socializing for too long, but this is not synonymous with hating people and to say it is is dangerous. We all have some people we don’t like, but it’s simply not okay to look at the entire human race, say “I don’t like you guys,” especially if you then treat people badly at work, at home, at school, and all of the million other places that you interact with them, because of it.
If you are born human, you don’t get to opt out of being a part of human society any more than a wolf can decide it’s really not into the whole pack-hunting thing. In the hunter-gatherer days, this behaviour would have literally killed you. Today, it may not physically kill you, but our society has an epidemic of loneliness, an epidemic of depression and tons of research connecting the two. Do we isolate first, then become lonely, then depressed? Do we isolate ourselves because we are so lonely, we feel like we can’t possibly fit in and it is just too much energy to try, so we give up? Whatever the case may be, we are doing something wrong, and the emerging “I hate people” culture under the clever guise of introversion is threatening our relationships as well as our lives. We are pack animals. Unlike our ancestors, we have the privilege of a lot of alone time. So use it, if that’s your thing, but if you find yourself saying you hate people, you’ve probably gone too far into the void, and you’d better knock it off before you get mean.
No one is asking you to party every night. But when people are important to us, we should make time for them in whatever way we are able. “Making time” looks dramatically different in every relationship, but it is important in all of them. And those who do make time, but only when they feel bored, they feel lonely, they want snacks/advice/money/chauffeuring/etc. are using you. They are the aforementioned assholes.
So check yourself and check your friendships. If you’re in a friendship or other relationship that involves cruelty followed by “lol I’m an introvert,” don’t put up with this shit. Talk to them about it. If it doesn’t get better: leave. I never imagined my life would get so much better after ending a friendship I considered my best one, but it did — because she was an asshole, using the label “introvert” and believe me, this behavior will break down your soul, heart, every part of you if you let it go too long. Assholes: knock it off. And actual introverts: keep doing you.