You asked and I answered! This week we addressed how to ask for a reference letter, and we also discussed the importance of communication in a romantic relationship. Read below to find out this week’s responses.
“My friend said he liked me and I turned down a relationship with him. Any advice on how to get back into the same friendship we had before?”
-Just Friends
Dear Just Friends, the good news is that many people have faced this situation before and worked their way through it. It may feel like there is no repair to the friendship, but if you are both dedicated to making it work then the friendship should prevail. First and foremost I would make sure he is very aware of your feelings and that you do not see a romantic relationship with him ever happening. Don’t skirt around the truth with statements like “It’s just not the right time,” because he may then continue to spend time with you expecting you to eventually give in. After that, the best thing to do is go on as if nothing happened. This may feel totally impossible, and for a while, it will be awkward, but fake it till you make it. Eventually, you will fall back into the regular routines and patterns of your friendship.
Milan Popovic
“Do you have advice on how to ask for a reference from a professor? What should you do if you feel you don’t know anyone well enough or haven’t talked to a prof for a long time?”
-Reference Reservations
Dear Reference Reservations, the first step is trying to get to know them better. The best way to do this is office hours, office hours, office hours. It can not be said enough. Remember that your professors are humans too, and they usually don’t mind if you pop in for a quick chat (even if it’s just to talk about life). If you’re uncomfortable doing this, then make up a career-related question to ask them. Even if you’re not making groundbreaking advancements in your relationship with them at least your face will become familiar. After you’ve shown up a couple of times and you want to make the big ask, be conscious of the language you use. Something like, “I think the work I did in your class is a good representation of my skills and I’m wondering if you would feel comfortable writing me a reference letter?” could be very effective. Professors get asked to write references all the time and this won’t be the first time a student they weren’t ultra familiar with asked for one. Be confident in yourself (you’re probably more memorable than you think) and shoot your shot.
“Dear Heather Cooper, I have a best guy friend. We are in third-year, and in a competitive and intense program here at UVic. He has always been there for me, and I really value our friendship. Over the summer, our relationship changed. We were both in bad places and got together on a casual basis. We both made mistakes with other partners in our lives but found a real connection with each other. Over the summer, he went back to his hometown, and I stayed here and lived my life. Now, school is back in session, and we don’t know where we stand. We have hooked up once (thanks to my friend who set us up), but I don’t feel as if we are on the same page. He has been ignoring me in person; when I come around the corner, he pretends I’m not there, and then he texts me asking why I’m ignoring him. I’m not trying to! I have asked him if he wanted to be casual, which initially he was very into, but now whenever I ask him if he wants to hang out, he says he’s too busy. He has a very intensive community musical at the Mac that he’s working on as a crew member, so he’s busy 30 hours a week, which is understandable. But some part of me thinks he would have at least a bit of time to see me. Is he really that busy, or is he avoiding me? Should I keep reaching out, or stop trying? (P.s. we confessed that we had feelings for each other last semester before he left for the summer) xoxo Summer Lovin”
-Summer Lovin
Dear Summer Lovin, wouldn’t it be great if we could read each other’s minds? If this relationship is causing you serious emotional turmoil and you can’t live and let live, there’s only one thing to do: talk to him. Make it clear over text that there is something important that you need to discuss with him and it must be done in person. If he pulls the busy card then accept that, but reiterate that it means a lot to you. Once you get in the same room, you’ll have the opportunity to talk candidly — you can’t draft responses like over text — about what is happening between the two of you. It might feel awkward but you’ll get some clarity, if not a resolution to the situation.
Henri Meilhac
“How do you know if a guy is shy or “just not that into you” when he gives you mixed signals?”
– Signal Not Received
Dear Signal Not Received, I know this is the worst possible thing to hear but you need to ask him. Either that or have someone ask for you. Have a mutual friend drop your name in conversation and report how he responds. Even a subtle “what do you think of ___?” could give you some clarity. However, the only way to know for sure is to ask for yourself. It’s hard and leaves you vulnerable to rejection, but how cool would it be if it worked out? If you’re going to enter into a relationship with someone who is reserved or shy, someone is going to always have to be the first to talk; why not start now?
Can Heather Cooper help you? Send her an anonymous question here to be featured in the next article.