Edited By: Joy Jiang
When I first arrived in Toronto on September 5th, 2015, in the backseat of a nondescript taxi, I had two distinct thoughts:
1. The CN tower is a lot bigger than I expected.
And:
2. What the hell am I doing here?
Back in February, when I received my acceptance to the University of Toronto and the so-called illustrious Trinity College (jury’s still out on that one), Toronto seemed like the most glamorous city in the world. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know anyone, had visited the city approximately 3 times before, and that I was going to be hopelessly, hopelessly alone. It was all so big, and so, so, so exciting.
Fast forward to September, and it would be fair to say I was regretting my decision. Due to a residence crisis in my first year (when isn’t the university having a residence crisis?), I was living the basement of my residence building, not so affectionately nicknamed the dungeon. This was supposedly better than the Holiday Inn (debatable). My roommate, who I am uncertain still goes to UofT at all, refused to speak to me from the second I walked through the door. It was 35 degrees and I wondered if people would mistake my tears for sweat.
And so began the uphill battle that was my first year here at UofT. Before I continue, I don’t want to discount the good experiences I did have, or worry my parents and sister with a lamenting tale. I’m hoping there will be 2 key takeaways from this article: one, first year is hard, harder than you’ll ever expect; and two, you will come out of it stronger than you ever imagined.
If you asked me to describe my first semester, I would say three words: Seasonal Affective Disorder. From the dungeon, I wondered if I would ever see the sun again; if my roommate would ever acknowledge my existence; if the days would ever pass by quickly enough for them to blend together. To say that the passing of time was painful is too strong– only that it felt like a dull ache, a molasses-slow countdown till the next time I could fly home, hug my dog, and feel like the person who applied to UofT in the first place.
Thankfully, all this free time and feeling sorry for myself gave me lots of time to study. When people said university would be hard, I thought they meant the coursework, the new expectations, the scary professors — in my case, it was everything else that came along with it.
I don’t know exactly when things got easier. Only that they did. Maybe it was when the sun came out after 4 months; maybe it was when those frosh week friendships solidified into something more. Maybe it was when I realized that this wasn’t a death sentence, or a failure, or a mistake — just a period of adjustment, a momentary blip in the grander scheme of my university career.
Human beings don’t like adjusting. We don’t like change, new things, new cities, or new friends. At least, not at first. So, if you’re a first year reading this, and you’re wondering the same thing I did — what am I doing here?– the answer is: you’re adjusting. You’re learning and hurting and lonely. Maybe you’re like me, and you’re crying in your bed while your weird roommate pretends she doesn’t see.
The good news is, you will stop crying (not completely, obviously, but about this in particular). The CN won’t seem so weird and gaudy anymore; it’ll be a north star, reminding you where you are, and why you came here.
I didn’t believe it either, when I was sitting in the dungeon, wishing I was somewhere, anywhere else. You probably won’t believe it now either, as you read this. That’s okay.
Because, a few years from now, you’ll be sitting in Robarts, your best friend by your side, still absolutely terrified of the future, but a little bit less so. To say it gets easier wouldn’t be accurate; only that you learn to deal with the tough stuff. And hopefully, when you are crying again (I am a strong advocate for a good cry every once and while), it won’t be across from your weird roommate, but with someone who cries with you.
I realize this all sounds very corny. And honestly, that’s because it is. But thank god it is; it’s a hell of a lot better than the corniness of crying in your bed alone.
So take it from me: a semi-successful 3rd year with over 600 LinkedIn connections who has no idea what the next two years have in store! In all seriousness, though, coming to university is so, so, so hard. So please, if you’re struggling, or trying to ignore the fact that you’re struggling, know that everyone is — and it’d honestly be weird if you weren’t.
Call your mom, tell someone you love them, go do those readings you keep putting off.
Welcome to UofT — the first round’s always the hardest.