Anyone who’s been online in the past few weeks has surely heard about the famous 36 questions that will supposedly make strangers fall in love in less than two hours. The study, designed by psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron, explores the creation of intimacy – the most important ingredient in long-lasting relationships. As someone who has always been fascinated by the idea of love and how relationships work, I was immediately intrigued when I heard about this. I have been with my boyfriend for three years, but the description claimed that the activity was still good to try with a current partner and would make for a nice date. Although we accepted that the result might be skewed since we weren’t strangers, we were both still eager to give it a try.
My boyfriend lives in residence, so we put aside a night for it when I could sleep over. He got some wine, Triscuits, and goat cheese, and set them up on a chair next to the bed. Since candles weren’t allowed in residence, we used a desk lamp and set it beside us. Classic university date.
The questions started off light, and were quite fun to answer. We got through the first set fairly quickly, delaying only when we decided to not set a time limit on question 11, “take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.” This was one of my favourites as it allowed us to tell funny or memorable stories from our childhood, and brought out details from our lives before we met, which really added more dimension to the person we were so used to talking to.
Then things started to take on a more serious tone. The second set got much deeper, straying into topics that we’d avoided discussing in detail even three years into our relationship. Although we didn’t discover anything groundbreaking about each other, new fun facts and stories surfaced, and we were forced to talk more about very personal issues. When you’ve been in any kind of relationship for so long, it can be easy to just see the person in front of you as they presently are, without appreciating the unique history and experiences that brought them to this point.
My favourite part of the activity also came up in the second set: “Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.” Having been together for so long, this wasn’t something that happened on a regular basis. It just didn’t come up in regular, everyday conversation. Deliberately voicing what we liked about each other made for a lovely reminder and lots of smiles. Again, it was knowledge that is easily taken for granted in long-term relationships or friendships. I knew what he liked about me and I could’ve predicted half those items, but just speaking them aloud face-to-face ignited our connection immediately.
The last set of questions didn’t lighten up as I’d hoped, although it did continue the job of initiating conversation we wouldn’t usually have strayed across. When it came to the final four minute exercise of staring into each other’s eyes silently, I felt like I could actually understand the weight behind everything they held. We made it through about two minutes before he said “I love you to the Andromeda galaxy and back” and we started kissing. Considering that that was likely the intended outcome, I would say the study was a success.
Overall, it did make for a great date night. As my boyfriend put it, “it reminded me of many wild and crazy things about you.” Getting to talk to each other in a setting so unlike our everyday chat made us both more attentive to each other’s words, and more appreciative of what we have. Simple things like listening without interrupting or verbally acknowledging the traits and qualities that drew us to each went a long way in fostering intimacy. Although we were already in a long-term relationship, it did a great job of fuelling the spark and acting as reminder of why we love each other.
Photo courtesy of Rusaba Alam/The Varsity
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