For us single girls, Valentine’s Day is just an excuse for “indulging” in chocolate and commiserating about our non-single friends. I don’t know about you, but I always plan to have a girls’ night on Valentine’s Day, complete with “Boys Have Cooties” banners and female empowerment (true story: “Boys Have Cooties” in all capital letters on a poster can easily turn into “Boy Shave Cooties,” so maybe rethink your word choice if that’s your plan this V-Day).
But most of the time, all of my fellow single ladies have magically discovered plans for Valentine’s Day, and so I’m left alone wandering around my room in day-old pajamas and mismatched socks, complaining with a mouthful of Sweethearts about how much I hate the powdery-ness of Sweethearts.
But this year, my Valentine’s Day schedule is full of (mostly) eligible, utterly adorable, and completely fictional men to keep the loneliness- and sugar rush- at bay. I fully plan on abusing Netflix, Hulu and Amazon Prime to get my fix of romantic gestures and scripted declarations of love, and I would suggest spending at least some of your evening doing the same.**
1. Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Live
Who doesn’t love to laugh when they’re lonely and/or in denial about being lonely? Seth can pick you right up with his puns, scathing political commentary and, yes, those crater-like dimples. Seth’s constant grin will have you smiling at your computer as if you’re on a Skype date with your crush from high school, making MASH life predictions (come on, you know that was the best). The best Weekend Update episodes are the ones where Seth breaks into a real-life giggle that’s just to-die-for. The Seth-Stefon love story is almost as heart-wrenching as Titanic (if, of course, it was set in the backdrop of New York’s Hottest Club, Gush).
Available on Netflix.
2. Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine Nine
Oh Andy Samberg, how you slay me. And his character, Jake Peralta, is basically himself if you dropped him into a Brooklyn police station and gave him a gun. But his hapless antics and surprising moments of wisdom will leave you begging the screen for more overt references to the romance we know is going to develop with his aggressive rival, Amy Santiago. Not only does Peralta give us neon speedos and a universe of silliness, he gives us stomach-turning hilarity that will last you all the way through that second bag of M&Ms, and that’ll make you wish to be a certain Brooklyn detective in a strangely unflattering pantsuit.
Available on Fox.
3. Danny Castellano, The Mindy Project
“You’re a woman. That’s good. Look like a woman.” From the smaller-than-average stature to the clip-in-the-middle red reading glasses, Danny Castellano is the “handsome jerk” you never realized you wanted (ref: this article). He sneaks up on you with his gruff voice, backhanded compliments and crazy limber dancer’s body. His security in his masculinity is the stuff of legends (read: he’s willing to be on camera in nothing but a hoodie, hot pink sneakers and briefs). But most of all, it’s the moments wherein he comforts a usually drunken Mindy by wrapping his arm around her and telling her it’s all going to be alright that will make you hug the comforter you have made into a makeshift snuggie a little tighter with a sigh before you push the replay button on the “Dr. Danny Castellano Dancing!” video.
Available on Netflix or Fox.
4. Sherlock Holmes/ John Watson, Sherlock
What’s your flavor: self-proclaimed sociopathic genius, or fiercely loyal and endlessly patient doctor who definitely knows his way around a fight? The correct answer? Both. And you’ll get more than enough exposure in even one episode of Sherlock. Sherlock has his weapons of choice: the oceanic eyes, mass of black curls and the tightest dress shirt you’ve ever seen. Not to mention the dazzling intellect that excuses his insulting and often demeaning manners. But John can hold his own: as the original Jim Halpert character on the UK’s The Office, he has his exasperated face down perfectly. Put that in a fuzzy jumper and you have a winning combination of paternal and badass. For the true fangirl in us all, Tumblr and Youtube are full of fanfiction and impeccably edited fanvideos for your viewing pleasure.
Available on Netflix.
5. Jim Halpert, The Office
Who doesn’t love Jim/Jimothy/BigTuna? He’s the kind of guy whose wit and silliness intrigues you, but whose romantic side will surprise you and leave you addicted. You can tell that Jim feels everything deeply, and will endeavor to make sure you know how strongly he feels about you, too, just in the sweetest, most effortless yet meaningful way possible. When he declares his love for
you Pam, they don’t need fireworks or even a soundtrack — just his words and the raw emotion in his voice will have your head swimming! Also, when he subtly wipes that tear off his cheek when he’s walking away from her? Too much! For a quick emotional fix after this, watch “Fun Run,” episode 4.1 of The Office– it’ll pick you right up!
Available on Netflix.
6. Mr. Knightley, Emma
Of course an Austen man had to make an appearance on the list. They’re the lords of love, and of course Mr. Darcy would come to mind. But I think Mr. Knightley is vastly underrated as a romantic hero. Sure, we all want to be Lizzie and Darcy in the rain, screaming at each other while secretly checking each other out and trying to avoid looking at each other’s lips, but there is a definite merit to having someone older and wiser just dote on you, like Knightley dotes on Emma. He doesn’t even realize when brotherly affection and protectiveness turns into an ardent love for her– the way he follows her around like a puppydog doesn’t change. And they certainly have their own fiery moments of passion when he rebukes her for her behavior. And nothing can beat the butterflies elicited when the two finally dance at the Westons’ ball.
Available on Amazon Prime – free for students for one year!
7. Logan Echolls, Veronica Mars
Holy frosted tips! If you haven’t hopped on the Marshmallow train to Neptune, California, you need to– and quick. With the Veronica Mars movie coming out in a month (!) and tickets going on presale on Valentine’s Day (!!), me sharing with you my obsession with Logan Echolls is the gift that will keep on giving. Logan is the ultimate bad-boy: violent, vulnerable and broken, but the boyish smile, puppy eyes, and yellowest car in the history of television he drives around in will make even the most cynical of cynics want to brush the hair out of his eyes and take care of him. Sure, he may be seriously overprotective and sometimes cruel if he’s been hurt badly enough, and he may sometimes carry a gun, but Logan has added quite a few requirements to the lists of what girls want in their significant others: sarcasm, a devil-may-care attitude, easy access to a tire iron, and the ability to softly kiss a girl on the forehead before confidently declaring his LoVe (bonus points for fangirls that understood that reference) for her in pure, Log-tastic style. Because he’s secretly a marshmallow– a twinkie wrapped in seriously attractive packaging.
Available on Amazon Prime.
**Provided links should be viewed in increasing order of hormone level/ounces of ice cream consumed.