Ahh, yes. Being as obnoxious as possible; the true meaning of Christmas. With ugly sweaters hung in store fronts all across the continent as the holiday season draws near, we begin to welcome the socially accepted principle that you are allowed to look like something out of an outdated Sears catalog. Ugly Christmas sweaters have been bringing joy to many for years and have allowed a sense of peace and co-existence between 70 year old men and 15 year old girls. And whether you seriously love that whole festive look or if you’re pretty much just wearing them ironically, ugly Christmas sweaters can kinda be seen as a wardrobe necessity if we’re being straight up.
Finding ugly Christmas sweaters can be pretty hard sometimes though. Think about this mathematically; there are only so many sweaters to choose from from very few sources (including your grandmother) and, like, a bajillion other people who are also searching and pining for that flawlessly curated mess of cashmere and tinsel. Based on these numbers, it isn’t likely for you to find the PERFECT ugly christmas sweater… unless you have this ultimate instructional and educational guide to sharpening both your shopping skills and your eye for disaster!
1. More is more!
Before we get too into detail, let’s just get something straight: the point is to look flashier and louder than everyone around you. You don’t just want a couple of velcro reindeer stuck to your chest, you want ALL of the velcro reindeer stuck to your chest. Don’t be afraid to go all out and cop something that looks like you got into a scuffle with a group of elves shortly before your work’s Christmas brunch. If you want, you can even create a checklist for yourself to make sure you don’t forget anything while searching for one that’s just right. Bells? Yes. Lights? Yes. Glittery, detachable music box that only plays the high notes from Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas is You? Hell yes. And remember: there’s no such thing as too many unnecessary, protruding objects.
2. Thrift stores are where dreams come true.
Having a little trouble finding something unique? Hit up your local Goodwill or Value Village for all your gaudy sweater needs. You are almost guaranteed to come out with an oversized patterned sweater that previously belonged to a steezy old man. This time of year is an especially difficult time to find any gems because, as mentioned before, a lot of people are searching for the same thing, but you never know! Thrifting can lead to so many immaculate discoveries in general too, so don’t be afraid to check a couple stores out.
3. DIY the hell out of something ordinary
Between people literally cross-checking each other at the mall so they can finish their shopping lists quickly and waiting in line-ups for approximately 7 years, it’s kind of ridiculous to think that everyone seems to forget that you can easily DIY things just as well. This works especially well with Christmas sweaters because it genuinely takes very few skills to accessorize a regular sweater and alter it the way you want. Hot glue a little felt here, sew a couple of buttons on there, slap together some pine needle cufflinks and BAM! You look like a hot mess, but that’s okay because at least you tried.
4. If you can’t DIY, make your grandma do it… This isn’t a joke.
If you can avoid accidentally stabbing yourself in the thumb 12 times with a sewing needle because your grandma is A-1 at making garments, seriously do it.
5. Pro-tip: try not to die if you do decide to check actual retailers out
Like I said earlier, there are a lot of people going into this with the exact same mindset as you so watch out. Don’t get into any fights over having the last of something. Whatever it is, it’s probably not worth getting stomped out by a soccer-mom, I assure you. Christmas shopping can be a rampant and hostile journey, so I highly recommend online shopping for all my introverts and lazies out there who can’t be bothered to leave their house to buy something they’ll only wear once or twice a year. eBay and Etsy are always available and thriving, but here are a couple of merchants to get you started:
http://www.rustyzipper.com/uglychristmassweaters
Dressing boisterously is for everyone to enjoy, so stay safe this holiday season, be merry, and try not to step on too many toe-toe-toes (don’t scoff, that pun was pretty good)!