Hey Holly,
My boyfriend and I have been fighting recently and I’m not really sure where it’s even coming from. We’ve been together for just over a year and it seems that every time we’re together for more than an hour, a fight about something breaks out. So what I’m wondering is if its okay for me to bring up the fact that we fight non-stop and I think we need to work it out, or should I just wait see how things play out? I’m so confused.
– Tired of Fighting
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Dear Tired of Fighting,
That’s a good question. I wouldn’t think too much of it. You mentioned it’s been a year since you have been together, your relationship was bound to have a bump, arguing and bickering is just your particular bump. It is perfectly fine to talk to your significant other, in fact, you definitely should, but you need to do it the right way in order to avoid miscommunication. Here’s something you can do:
#1. Ask your boyfriend if you guys could have a talk. When he asks why, explain to him your situation in a calm way. When you do this, reassure him that you love him and that you are not angry, that you just feel like a talk is needed in order to strengthen your relationship. If he cares this shouldn’t be a problem.
#2. Tell him you guys need to be separated for a half an hour in order to collect your thoughts. Tell him to write down the problems he has in the relationship and you should do the same as well.
#3. When you have figured everything out, meet back up and begin your own little ‘relationship rescue session’. Begin with reassurance, tell each other what you love about one another.
#4. Take turns listing the issues and always use “I” as opposed to “you” this will avoid any defensiveness. Example, “I feel irritated when you play your music while I’m studying” as opposed to “You always blast your music when I need to concentrate!”
#5. After each of you has said what needs to be said figure out a way to fix the issues mentioned together. Example, “I am sorry I made you feel that way. I will put my earphones in when you are studying.”
If you both cooperate, then you both want to fix the bumps in the road and surely you can get through anything. Just remember to,
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Paraphrase “So are you saying…” “Is this what you meant?”
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Never use the terms “you” or “always”
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Point out the best in your partner
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Have confidence in your relationship