(A real collegiette’s story anonymously retold by Patricia-Joy Crosby with permission)
He stood outside of my house yelling on the phone “let me in you slut, I’m the only person who could ever love you. Why don’t you just try and kill yourself again, I won’t stop you this time”. A ridiculous scene and unlike one from a movie, this was my life. He eventually convinced me to let him in, only to tell me all the reasons why I was a failure and continued to make me hate myself more and more.
It didn’t start like this; it started with a sweet boy who told me I was beautiful and held me tight. It soon became evident that he had some underlying problems and would become jealous over nothing. The manipulation and harsh comments slowly accumulated to the point where I was a nervous anxious wreak and had no concept of what was normal or not.
This hurricane of manipulation lasted almost a year and a half, each time I tried to get away and get help, I ended up back in this vicious circle. My grades slipped, I lost many friends, and my self worth had all but disappeared. Every time I said no more, his attitude would change, telling me all the reasons I was wonderful and how he would change, and that I wasn’t a failure after all, but that he was. “I will never get drunk and say that to you again. I am done fighting cause what’s done is done… Remember what I told you? How I’ll get jealous and whatever for a bit then smarten up? That’s what happened. You know I care about you! YOU KNOW BY THE WAY I LOOK AT YOU WHEN WE WAKE UP IN THE MORNING”
This never lasted and his negative comments about my appearance, my behaviour, and my past would commence again, truly making me believe that he was the only person who would ever want to be with me. Next thing I knew I’d be yelling hurtful things back and shoving him away and then be sitting in Lees Station at 4am in the cold waiting for any bus to come to take me far away from that horrible situation.
Two years have passed and while I am still haunted by that emotional abuse, my anxiety attacks come less and less often, I have learnt to trust again, and even had the opportunity to have a loving and healthy relationship.
Not that long ago, I texted that boy: an embarrassing part of me still feels guilty and wants what’s best for him. Last I heard he was doing well in Toronto, and told me “you don’t deserve to succeed in life”. Some things will never change, but I am a lot stronger now and hope that no other university girl will put up with that kind of abuse like I did. Because it is abuse, just because there aren’t bruises doesn’t mean it’s okay.
Emotional abuse, also known as psychological and mental abuse, has become a serious reality on university campuses, and the scary part is, most of it goes unmentioned, accepted by many collegiettes as a simple reality. Many scholars have pointed to different sources of this upswing in emotional abuse, quoting rising mental health problems, high stress levels in universities, cultural perceptions of male dominance, rise in substance abuse, and more. Regardless of the cause, studies in 1999 showed that over half of university females in the United States had been the recipients of emotional in a romantic relationship.
What is psychological abuse?
In order to not be confused, let’s talk about what emotional abuse is, and what it is not. While all relationships have there ups and downs, and most people can get even a little bit jealous, or say hurtful things, it takes a lot more than a few comments to be considered abuse. Emotional abuse, different than physical abuse is not an isolated incident but a pattern of aggression that evolves over time.
Professionals define emotional abuse as a person subjecting or exposing another to behaviour that will result in psychological trauma. With such a broad definition that covers topics such as abusive relationships, child abuse, work-place abuse, and bullying, it has been hard to gather a consensus on what exactly is emotional abuse. The Conflict Tactics Scale measures acts of psychological aggression into three categories that can be used for better understanding they are: verbal aggression, dominant behaviours, and jealous behaviours. It is important to remember that these aggressions must follow a pattern and be causing psychological trauma to another, including anxiety, chronic depression or post-traumatic stress disorder.
Warning signs
Most abusive relationships do not start off with aggression right away and might not have any warning signs well into the relationship! A 2008 Psychology Today article listed the first early warning sign as “the Blamer” – someone who constantly blames others for their own bad luck and negative feelings. Blamers can be attractive at first as they can make someone feel great in comparison to the others they blame, however be careful because the aggressor will always blame the person who is closest to them, i.e. their girlfriend, boyfriend or partner. Other warning signs the article listed were: resentment, entitlement, pettiness, sarcasm, deceit (intentional and unintentional), minor jealousy, and someone who rushes.
A 2009 Health Canada study separated psychological aggression into two categories: neglectful tactics and deliberate tactics.
Neglectful tactics included:
- Denying emotional responsiveness
- Discounting
- Ignoring
- Denying or forgetting
- Countering
- Minimalizing/trivializing
- Rejecting
Deliberate tactics were listed as:
- Accusing, blaming, and jealous control
- Criticising behaviour and ridiculing traits
- Degrading
- Harassing
- Corrupting/exploiting
- Terrorizing
- Isolating
Effects of emotional abuse
Studies have shown that emotional abuse can actually have worse long lasting effects than physical abuse. The psychological trauma that ensures often years after emotional abuse can have devastating effects on the mental health of the person in question. The other problem is that because emotional abuse leaves no scars or visible marks, it can be harder for a health professional to detect and evaluate the abuse. The Health Canada study mentioned effects of emotional abuse in university-aged students to include:
- PTSD
- Poor school performance
- Involvement in bullying as either victim or perpetrator
- Fear for self, children and/or pets (female victims)
- Shame
- Physical problems that have no medical basis
- Low self esteem
- Depression, social withdrawal, poor identity development, eating disorders and self-mutilation, (more likely for female victims)
- Risk-taking behaviour common (gender differences, e.g., women may risk unintended pregnancy; men might drive too fast)
- Delinquent acts, abuse of alcohol/drugs and abusive dating behaviour (more likely for male victims)
- Suicide attempts or discussion
What to do if you think yourself or a friend is in a bad situation
There should be absolutely no tolerance for emotional abuse on campus! If you think you might be in an abusive situation, or that a friend might be a victim, it is imperative you seek attention! It can be very hard to get out of an emotional abusive situation so be supportive and understanding of your friend, it takes courage to admit you are in a rough spot. There are many free services on the University of Ottawa’s Campus, and in Ottawa, that can help with any sort of abusive, or potentially abusive situations. Check out the following links for further information!
SASS – Student Academic Success Service http://www.sass.uottawa.ca/welcome.php
uOttawa Health Services http://www.uottawa.ca/health/services/mentalhealth
Crisis Line Ottawa – 613-722-6914 or 1-866-996-0991
Youth Service Bureau of Ottawa http://www.ysb.on.ca/index.php?page=home&hl=eng
Finally spread the awareness! Emotional abuse is not okay! It’s something we should be talking about in order to eliminate it !
References:
http://jiv.sagepub.com/content/25/2/204.full.pdf+html
http://publications.gc.ca/collections/collection_2009/aspc-phac/HP20-12-2008E.pdf
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/are-you-dating-abuser
Photo credits:
www.evolutionarymagazine.co.za
http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com