Last Sunday, I called my mom sobbing so hard I couldn’t speak. The reason why isn’t relevant (let’s just call it “the event”), but essentially my emotional state was in shambles. As soon as “the event” happened, the only thing I could think about was that I needed to call my mom. It was about 11:00 at night, and I felt bad because I knew she had school in the morning and I knew she was already in bed, but she picked up anyway. She gave all kinds of great advice and support, but most importantly, she gave me her patience. I just wanted to tell her what had happened so she could tell me everything would be okay, but she did more than that. She wouldn’t let me start talking without breathing first, she validated my hurt without egging on my anger, and she showed how to put “the event” in perspective without telling me to make one choice or another. In college, it’s ridiculously easy to fall into the mindset that you are all alone, so calling your “person” when you are at a low, whether they are one of your parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, or friends, is incredibly important. The world loves to push a narrative that tells us we need to pick ourselves up off the floor and put ourselves back together, but that idealistic mindset doesn’t always play out the way we want it to. When we find ourselves so lost we don’t even know who we are, we need someone to guide us back to ourselves. When calling your “person,” there are a few things you should keep in mind.
Validation is Key
In my personal experience, when I keep my feelings bottled up for too long, I begin to question myself. “Did I do something wrong?,” “am I being irrational?,” and “should I just get over it?” are thoughts that swirl around in my brain as I lay around with my mind stuck on whatever is bothering me. When you find yourself doing this, that is a sign it’s a good time to give your person a call. This should be someone you can trust to support you and validate your feelings. Whether you’re on the “right” side or the “wrong” side of the situation (realistically, a mixture of both), it’s important to talk through your emotions so that you can recognize your own truth. Having someone to vent to is extremely beneficial because they can allow you to feel heard and allow your feelings the weight they deserve. A simple “I’m sorry about that” or even a “that sucks” can make a world of difference, and it allows you to step outside of the doubt that can invade your mind.
Don’t Wallow for Long: Put Things in Perspective
This is an important one, and talking to someone you trust to handle your personal matters with care is a great way to do it. It’s easy to play the self-pity game and think that whatever your situation is is the worst thing that has ever happened to you and there is no hope for it to ever get better. Sure, it’s important to allow yourself to feel the way you do, but if you revel in those bad feelings, you can get trapped in them. This is where your ‘person’ comes in. Sure, talking to your person doesn’t necessarily alleviate all your pain or make the problem disappear completely, but they can provide a more objective point of view. Their perspective is valuable because if you trust them enough to consider them your “person,” then they are likely looking out for what is best for you. Also, because they are removed from the situation and not drowning in the emotional mindset that you occupy in that moment, they have the ability to consider the whole picture. Because they are able to see beyond the narrow scope of where you reside, they can open up your perspective so that you can consider the situation from other perspectives and how the situation can develop and be resolved in due time. Basically, it is important to have someone who knows you well enough to tell you when to snap out of it.
It’s Not Selfish to Need Someone
Finally (and most importantly) it is crucial to remember that there is nothing wrong with needing to reach out. Just because you cannot “handle” your own feelings does not mean you are weak, or exaggerating, or a burden. Obviously expecting someone to be at your every beck and call isn’t healthy for either party involved, but the need for someone to be there for you when it feels like you’re falling apart is just basic human nature, which is nothing to be ashamed of. The feeling of selfishness can definitely be exacerbated by distance from your person in the sense that you don’t see them often anyway, so contacting them for the sole purpose of dealing with your problems may make you feel like you are using them. As long as you don’t only use them as a human rag to soak up all your issues, you should allow yourself to be helped. Your person should be someone that you reciprocally trust and love, and when you feel that way about someone you should let them be there for you, even if you feel like you are making everything about yourself (I’m sure they can forgive you). In the end, letting yourself be helped by someone loving, trustworthy, and selfless isn’t selfish; it’s human.