You have a friend. She just entered into a relationship with her dream man. He is tall, dark, strikingly handsome, and knows all right things to say to woo your friend into a crazed obsession for him. He is all she ever talks about, thinks about, dreams about, and soon he becomes a frighteningly all-consuming presence in her life. “You’re spending too much time together,” you warn her. “We never see you anymore,” you tell her. She brushes your comments under the rug, and leaves to spend another twenty-four hours straight with her main man. Before you know it, you only see her at class because he doesn’t think you are a good influence on her. She stops hanging out with her best guy friends because he gets jealous. She can’t have girl’s-nights-out anymore because he doesn’t trust her. She is being controlled by a man and cannot escape his grasp. When she tries to run, he pulls her tighter. Though she is afraid to admit it, she has found herself trapped in the middle of an abusive relationship and is crying out for help. Though this situation is fictional, it resembles real-world scenarios that happen far too often on college campuses across the country. According to the 2011 Liz Claiborne Love is Not Abuse College Dating Violence and Abuse Poll, 43% of college women have experienced violent and/or abusive dating behaviors. 57% of students who claim to have been in an abusive relationship say it happened during college. With such a widespread prevalence of dating violence on campuses, it is unfortunate that 58% of students reported that they would not know how to help a victim. Understanding how to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship and learning how to help someone who may be too afraid to help herself can truly save lives. *A variety of resources are listed at the bottom of this article for more information, advice, and professional help for victims and friends of victims of dating abuse. 1. Know the signs: An abusive relationship can be physically, emotionally, or sexually violent. Though physical signs of violence may not be present, your friend can still feel just as frightened and trapped from emotional abuse. In addition to the remnants of physical abuse, some of the common signs that your friend may be in an abusive relationship are: -She spends less time with her friends and family -She does not engage in activities she used to enjoy -She makes excuses for her boyfriend’s inappropriate or cruel behavior. -She is constantly checking in with her boyfriend when they are not together. -Her self-esteem seems to weaken. -Her boyfriend puts her down in front of you. -She cancels plans for no reason. -She appears depressed, which is a common consequence of being involved with an abusive relationship. 2. Confront her Though this may be extremely uncomfortable for you both, it is the most crucial step for you to take to ensure that your friend gets the help she needs. Talk to her privately and let her know that you are not judging her, or her relationship, but you simply care about her well-being. Understand that she may deny what you tell her and defend her relationship because there are deeply powerful emotional dynamics in play. Do not insult her decision to be with him because she may take that as a personal insult and will not feel comfortable to talk openly with you. Do not force her to break up with him because she may resent you. Simply offer her an objective ear, let her know you will always be there for her, and talk to her as many times as needed before you can get through to her. There is nothing more important than letting her know she has a supportive friend by her side when she needs it most. 3. Encourage her to get help Oftentimes, victims of abusive relationships feel too ashamed or fearful to reach out for help. However, turning to trained professionals for advice can leave a lifelong impact on your friend’s emotional and physical health. Provide her with the encouragement and information she needs to get help. The University of Michigan offers several resources to support victims of abuse and toxic relationships. Tell your friend to call one of the following numbers for advice and assistance. The UM Sexual Assault Prevention and Awareness Center (SAPAC): 734-936-3333 SAPAC promotes healthy relationships and offers educational and supportive services for the U-M community regarding sexual assault, domestic violence, sexual harassment, stalking. Safe House Center: 734-995-5444 Safe House Center provides free and confidential services for victims of domestic violence of sexual assault in Washtenaw County. The Department of Public Safety (DPS): 734-763-1131 DPS offers resources to those wanting advice and assistance about their abusive relationships, or those wanting to report a dating violence crime. Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS): 734-764-8312 CAPS provides free counseling services to enrolled students. Their confidential services include crisis-walk in appointments, couples therapy, and individual therapy to discuss personal concerns. The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) For more information and resources, visit University of Michigan’s “Abuse Hurts” Website at www.stopabuse.umich.edu or go to www.loveisrespect.org.
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at U Mich chapter.