Last summer, things ended between me and someone I cared about deeply. They wanted different things, and I was no longer part of those things. I was completely ruined as I found out that the person I held closest to me had posted himself with another girl in an intimate exchange. I was a complete wreck, and I do feel that something changed within me that day.
After finding out, I called my closest friend, and she came over to assist me with flowers in hand. She was the first person, besides my family members, to give me flowers. She spent the entire day with me, bought me food, and even offered to sleep over to make sure I was well taken care of. As stated before, I feel like this experience changed me, and I didn’t let it stop me or my life. From my experience, I want to share five tips that helped me during this time.
- Your friends are your friends for a reason
I would say I called and texted every close friend I had after finding out. Each of them consoled me in their own way and made time for me. I know it may be hard for some, but please reach out to your friends and support systems. I remember crying to my mother, whom I am not very close with, about him and having her comfort me. It feels good to have your feelings validated and to know someone has your back. Don’t allow yourself to be alone during this time as it may prolong the negative feelings.
- Emotions are meant to be felt to the fullest extent
Please cry. Please scream. Please feel whatever emotion, good or bad, to its fullest. Yes, they may be hard emotions, but if you don’t feel them now, it will only build up and cause a blowout. My friend, Haille, sat with me on my dirty carpet as I cried and told her all my nasty emotions and thoughts. I felt horrible as I explained how bad I was feeling and how I wanted the absolute worst for my ex-partner. I got it out in the open and it felt good. Of course, I don’t want the worst for him now, but it’s OK if you do at the moment. That is your emotion and you are entitled to have it. One thing I would recommend is not to linger on that emotion. Once it is felt, let it go and process the other feelings you are having.
- Boundaries are amazing
After getting all my tears out, Haille asked me what boundaries I wanted to set “so this doesn’t happen again.” Breakups and separations are bound to happen, but changing your reaction to them can make a huge difference. This is where boundaries come into play. Boundaries are meant to protect you and set standards for yourself. However, they only work if you enforce them and stand on them. One boundary I set is that I need constant communication from my partner to feel secure. This could be in the form of messages daily or being informative about my partner’s day and doings. That is a boundary I need so that I know I am a priority to my partner. If I am not given that, I will speak to my partner and go from there. It is all about what makes you feel seen and comfortable and knowing when to be strict about what you need.
- It’s ok to still think about them
Yes, I still think about my old partner. I wonder what he’s doing, how he’s doing, where he is, and who he is with. However, I don’t let it stop my day or get me down. Over time, I started to think less about the good and bad times we had together. I stopped having an emotional reaction to it. He was just another guy I dated, and he is now in my past. It’ll take time to stop thinking about your ex-partner completely, but always remember that things ended for a reason and it is normal to still think about them.
- Time heals all wounds
Yes, we all hate to hear it, but it is true. Time does heal as you move on and away from the situation. It may feel like time is just slipping away, but it is only temporary. All things are temporary, and I promise you will look back on this situation and laugh at how things turned out and changed. You will be ok, I promise you.
It hurts. It hurts like hell, but you will get through it and become a better person. Breakups and separations are times to reinvent yourself and become a better and hotter version of yourself. So please, cry, scream, holler into the night. Allow yourself to feel the pain and sit in it. But always remember to pick yourself up and move on. You are loved, even if it’s only by me.