Settling into a new relationship can be comforting. After sifting through tons of boys who were too messy, too rude, too high maintenance, too insensitive, too serious, too arrogant and other terrible traits, finding that compatible someone is a rare feat! Hanging out with him can be amazing, but sometimes, that relationship may take a toll on how a woman interacts with her friends and family when not around him. Many collegiettes may know women who are so enamored with their boyfriends, they can’t stop talking about them, whether you are that girlfriend or have a friend who acts like this. Women may not realize they do it or may not care, and it can become a sticky situation. Don’t worry because HerCampus is here to show you how to spot these potential situations and how to resolve them to reclaim yourself or your friend before they fall prey to the relationship bubble!
Mapping Out the Conversation
Examples of the boyfriend-talk behavior:
• “Oh my gosh, (insert boyfriend’s name) ALSO thought it was SO hilarious!”
• “…so I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow, (XXX) says I shouldn’t cut it, but I want to!”
• “Okay, (XXX) took me to see that movie! He’s so sweet.”
Some girls may intentionally bring him up into the conversation, while other girls are subtle and may do it subconsciously. It’s most noticeable when you two are talking about something completely different from relationships, for example, nails, hair, or movies. The boyfriend comes up in some anecdote about his thoughts on the subject, or a date involving the subject even when he’s not present. Also, the girl doesn’t just mention him once in the conversation, but frequently diverts the focus of the discussion to him.
Signs that friends aren’t digging the constant chat about the boyfriend:
• When subtly bringing him up in conversation, friends ignore the name-drop and continue on with the subject (sans boyfriend).
• They try to change the subject ASAP.
• They nod, give a strained smile, or a forced “Aw, cute.”
• Seem indifferent, and perhaps an “I see.”
• Jokingly mention, “You’re so crazy” or “You’re so obsessed.”
There can be many reactions to the boyfriend topic, but generally, the enthusiasm slightly drops from the friend’s side of the conversation. Those friends see her as her own person, not “so and so’s girlfriend,” but the consistent talking about the boyfriend reaffirms the latter label.
Personality-Types Prone to the Boyfriend-Talk
Any girl can fall victim to the boyfriend-talk, but here are some common types you may meet:
1. The “Obsessed” Girlfriend: As soon as you sit down with this girl, the conversation immediately opens up with her boyfriend, followed by discussion about a date they’re planning, a sweet/funny/frustrating conversation with him, and the list goes on. The night turns out to be a discussion about her and her relationship, rather than you two rekindling your friendship. She doesn’t even try to discuss other topics because her sole focus is on her leading man.
2. The “In Love” Girlfriend: She’s excited to hang out with her friends, whom she has or hasn’t seen in forever and can’t wait to share the details of her life, including the amazing new guy she’s met. He’s so wonderful and so sweet; she can’t help but be reminded of him wherever she goes. She may expect her friends to just be happy for her, and it’s not like she mentions him that often. if anything, she’s trying really hard not to talk about him (in her mind).
3. The “Chill” Girlfriend: She’s got a hold on balancing her friendships and relationship. She may see her friends about as often as her boyfriend! He’s like one of her best friends, so naturally, he comes up in conversation if a story relates to something they’ve done. Though she hangs out with her other friends, she often brings him up so often in the conversation, it’s as if he’s there.
Why Red Flags Should Go Up
It’s never cute to constantly talk about a boyfriend, and may cause distance between friends, especially if they’re in different phases of life (relationship or no relationship). Of course there are exceptions, for instance, if the couple share the same mutual friends, then it may be appropriate to bring up his name in casual conversation. Even then, there must be a line between discussing him as a friend of the group, and continuously gushing about him as a boyfriend to the group.
The key to any successful relationship is balance. When she’s out with her friends, it’s time to catch up on other aspects of life, apart from her man. There’s plenty of time to cuddle with him during the rest of the week and drown in his heart-melting kisses, but every individual needs a chance to breathe (figuratively and literally). Sure the boyfriend will inevitably come up in conversation, but there’s a difference between mentioning him a couple of times versus acting like he’s a part of the conversation (in spirit)!
The Easy Fixes
How to Resolve This Issue If You Are the Girlfriend:
It’s tough when you’re doing the talking to notice that his name comes up often. It’s almost like second-nature to think about him, which is why you need to be extra alert and conscious of your discussions with friends when spending time together. If you notice his name coming up more and more often (from your side of the conversation), then red flags should go up in your head. Tone down the topic of him and focus on the other great things going on in your life.
This is easier said than done, and you may be frustrated to think that since he’s a major part of your life, either 1) not much else is going on in your life or 2) that you can’t really be yourself with other people. First off, if #1 is the problem, take baby steps in setting yourself apart from him. Reflect on and re-evaluate yourself, pursue your interests, and chase after new activities that you’ve been dying to try! Oftentimes, people quickly become comfortable in losing themselves in their significant others. Unfortunately, this results in the loss of other valuable assets, such as his/her individuality at the mercy of newfound love. It’s tempting to fall into that trap, but problems arise when you have conflicts with your boyfriend; it feels as if your world is ending because for the past couple months/years, you’ve made him your world. A relationship should never diminish your other interests and enthusiasm to maintain friendships. That boyfriend should encourage you to pursue what makes you happy, and you have to continue to be your own person, not always “his girlfriend.”
If the problem is #2, here’s a secret. Your friends and family will usually be there to support you. They want to see you happy, and aren’t going to be angry if you want to share stories on how well he treats you, but you also have to see it from their perspectives. Make room for them in your life as well. Give your friends as much attention as you would give your boyfriend, because they’ve seen you at your best and at your worst. Part of the process in connecting with others is giving them your full attention when you do spend time with them. Really listen and engage in the conversation, and they’ll appreciate it and continue to support you.
How to Resolve the Issue if You’re the Friend:
Honesty is the best policy, if it comes with tact. Most likely, your friend either doesn’t know that she’s talking a lot about her boyfriend or that it’s bothering you. Directly telling her would make her conscious about her behavior and may help clear the air. Mention that she does frequently talk about him, and as happy as you are for her and the relationship, you miss her old self and want to reconnect about other things. She may feel self-conscious of what she’s saying at that moment, but if you put in effort of suggesting topics to find common ground, she’ll ease up and feel less pressured in the situation.
Not everyone can be so direct, so if you’re more nonconfrontational, approach the situation differently. You could make a game, like having a strictly GIRLS NIGHT, with no discussion of boys or you have to do (insert activity). That makes it less stressful, shows her that she can survive without mentioning her boo, and makes for a fun night on the town. One thing to avoid is being passive aggressive. If you’re frustrated about her constantly talking about her boyfriend, beating around the bush won’t get you anywhere, and will cause unnecessary problems with the friendship.
Every girl wants to be happy, whether it’s by being in a relationship or not. The main thing is, whatever you choose to do, don’t lose sight of yourself and the people who’ve had your back. Relationships may come and go, but friends are the ones who keep us sane and keep life bearable!