As soon as we can talk, or really after learning any form of initial communication, we are taught to share.
“Let your brother have a turn,” “give Caroline her doll back,” and “you can’t play the princess the whole time”: all common reprimands and reminders to teach us at a very young age that it is not always about you.
We are so repeatedly taught to value other people’s feelings, sometimes before our own, that it has become ingrained in our brains to always consider everyone’s emotions before doing anything. Yes, the lessons of selflessness are very important: they are the reason I know I have loyal friends, the reason I trust my classmates in group projects, and the reason I think I have become a genuine, caring person. However, over the past year, I have found myself faced with a few scenarios where it has been very difficult to be selfless. I am immediately taken back to preschool when I would get reprimanded for not sharing, but in some cases, I truly believe you must consider yourself before others. So, when is it okay to be a little selfish?
- Relationships
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The first case I think it is okay to be a little selfish in is a relationship. I recently got out of a kind of serious relationship, and at the end of the process I commonly found myself questioning my own happiness and my partner’s happiness. I was torn between doing what I thought was best for myself, but worried about how that would make the people around me feel. I became so caught up in hurting my partner’s feelings that I forgot to stop and realize that the relationship was causing stress, regret, and unhappiness in my life. I had a realization that I needed to prioritize my happiness, however difficult it may be for the other people in my life. Because, let’s be real, as a 20-year-old, I am too young to be making sacrifices for a nine-month relationship, especially when those sacrifices are bringing negativity to my life.
- Mental health
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Another very important time to be a little selfish is when it impacts your mental health. As a college student, I feel a lot of pressure in keeping up a well-rounded image. Balancing school, working out, socializing, club positions while eating and sleeping can be exhausting.
I recently was doing a workout where the instructor talked about “the power of no” and it really stuck with me. Again, stemming back to when we were young, there is a negative connotation with the word “no.” As the selfless person I was brought up to be, “no” is rarely in my vocabulary. If someone needs a ride home, my reply is always,“yeah sure, I will go back to pick you up.” If someone needs help with a homework problem it’s, “yes, I already did it so I can show you.” If someone needs a favor: “yes, of course.” We are constantly taking time out of our days to help other people because that is what makes someone a reliable, loyal, caring friend. Yet, sometimes I think people have to realize it is ok to say no. If you are mentally drained, overwhelmed, and feel like your mental health is at a tipping point, that’s when you can say no. That’s when you can prioritize your mental health over a small favor someone needs from you.
- safety
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Finally, one of the last times you absolutely can be selfish is when your safety is on the line. It seems obvious that if you don’t feel safe in a situation then leave, but at times it can be harder than you think. You don’t want to be the dud of the party, be a snitch, or have FOMO, but regardless, your safety should come first. I especially realized this when the pandemic was at its worst. I was being very cautious and quarantining myself, barely interacting with anyone except the people I lived with. I sometimes felt pressure to “just get over it” and start going to parties, but the fact of the matter was that I didn’t feel safe. So, I was a little selfish: I didn’t go over to other people’s houses, I made people wear a mask around me, I wanted proof of a negative test. And, ultimately, I have no regrets about that.
To be clear, I am not saying it is all about you. You shouldn’t only think about yourself in a relationship, never offer to help your friends, or to exclude people from your parties. That is not what I am getting at. I just feel like sometimes we are so driven to think about the people around us and constantly offer to help them that sometimes we forget about ourselves. Especially when we are overwhelmed and stressed almost to a mental breaking point, there is still a sense of guilt if we take some time for ourselves. But I don’t think it is selfish, I think it is being self-aware. It is okay to prioritize your happiness, it is okay to say no sometimes, and it is okay to have a relaxing night in with a cup of tea because that is exactly what you want to do. It is okay to be a little selfish.
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