There’s no doubt that this Women’s History Month has been especially relevant for many after the overturning of Roe v. Wade. I took the majority of the month to reflect on what it means to be a woman in America, my own womanhood, and the most influential women in my life. I thought about how women’s rights have changed (or remained unchanged) through generations. Naturally, I turned to the strongest woman I know: my grandmother.
One thing about my grandmother, who we call Atita, is that she speaks incredibly highly about her mother, our Abuelita. We lost Abuelita in 2021, but her memory lives on strong through the stories Atita tells about her. One thing I’ve heard her say a few times is that “Abuelita always said she wished she was a boy, so she could have been able to do whatever she wanted.” This remark stuck with me — was Abuelita a feminist? Whether my ancestors identified as feminists or not, they certainly recognized the double standards that dictated their lives in many ways. This is something that stood out in my conversation with Atita.
We began by talking about Abuelita. To me, Abuelita was a tough, no-nonsense woman who found comfort in her novelas and snuggling my little brother to death. According to Atita, Abuelita had a strong character but was also very kind and compassionate. She placed many expectations on Atita as a young woman — she had to be feminine and ladylike, never vulgar. She had to remain proper and speak softly and correctly — never too loud. She had to “sit, walk, and act feminine.” It was always crucial to uphold appearances. Atita often mentions the fact that she never learned to ride a bike. Things like bicycling, rollerblading, and running around were reserved for boys. Abuelita’s main goal was to raise her daughter to be a good wife and mother, rather than to pursue education and success. To this day, Atita wishes she had finished her Bachelor’s (and that she knew how to ride a bike).
When I asked Atita how she feels these standards have impacted her in later life, she said that she never really learned how to defend or advocate for herself when necessary. She described herself as “too nice,” and as someone who will always put others first. Anyone who knows my Atita knows that the latter part of that statement is most definitely true. She is generous and giving, and truly the most selfless person I have ever met. Some of the strongest and most capable women are simply the ones who make sure those around them are cared for, no matter the circumstances.
While she assured me she is happy to be a woman, she couldn’t help but notice the advantages her brother had growing up. She watched boys play outside and adventure freely, and get praised for talking to girls. In adulthood, this translated to men having more freedom in relationships and their families. In Puerto Rico, where Atita grew up, young women were expected to remain pure, or else no man would respect them. They had to marry young, or become a nun. It was generally acceptable for men to be unfaithful to their wives because a woman was expected to be forgiving for the children’s sake. If a woman did cheat, it was unforgivable. A man would be ridiculed for staying with a “woman like that.” Divorced women would be pointed at and gossiped about. This double standard remains evident in Puerto Rico even now.
I asked Atita what it meant to her to be a “strong woman.” She shared that she always asked God why he made men so much physically stronger than women, and why he didn’t give women the strength to defend themselves. She then realized that women have a strength that many men don’t — a sixth sense. Citing biblical stories, she explained that a woman’s intuition is powerful enough to take a man down. Although I laughed at her dramatic examples of Samson and Delilah and John the Baptist, it was nice to know that my grandmother (the most humble person on this Earth) does know her own power.
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