Dear Frenemy,
You are the friend that I wish I did not have, and to be honest, this relationship is exhausting. All the one-upping, the back-handed-complimenting, and the behind-the-back-talking…I can’t.
You are the Paris Hilton to my Nicole Ritchie, the Regina George to my Cady Heron, the Kim Kardashian to my Beyonce—because I am definitely the Beyonce in this relationship.
It is so draining to pretend to be your friend when really all I’m thinking is like, why is she here again? Maybe you’re the friend of a friend and I have to be civil. Maybe we work together so I have to suck it up. Or maybe I just have to keep you around because you know a little too much dirt to cut you off.
Whatever the reason, I have to deal with you, and it sucks. I ran two miles at the gym today—oh, you ran three? And did abs? And you weren’t even that tired? Hey, that is really, really cool—would you like a cookie or a medal?
And that cute guy from last night keeps texting you? That is so great. Please find more ways to slip it into conversations in which it is completely irrelevant.
Stop talking about me to our mutual friends—even under the pretense of concern for me. You are fooling no one and I know it’s one of your evil girl-ploys to point out my flaws. Am I being paranoid? Maybe. But that doesn’t nullify the fact that you are absolutely, undeniably out to get me.
Some people would argue that I need to be rid of you, a clean break from a toxic relationship. To theese people I would say, yes of course, help me! But at the same time, if it were that simple, wouldn’t I have already done that? A frenemy-ship is a complicated thing, multi-layered and difficult to disentangle oneself from.
And so, I will continue to accept your backhanded compliments graciously as though you actually meant them. We will probably pose together in an instagram pic next weekend with our arms around each others shoulders grinning like besties for the camera. You will caption it something along the lines of “Love this betch ;D” and maybe I will comment something like “ily tooo girl!”
Maybe one day I will scratch you out of my life for good. Who knows? Until then, though I will be watching you, Regina. You know what they say: keep your friends close, but your frenemies closer.
HCXO,
Mia