A lot has changed since the days of high school sex education. Naturally, as we get older and relationships get more complicated, new (and sometimes embarrassing) questions about sex will emerge. Unfortunately for us college students, there aren’t many places where one can anonymously inquire about sex and relationships … until now! Her Campus at UMass Amherst presents our new sex and relationships advice column: SEXplained.
*Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. If you have a medical concern related to sex, please ask a professional.
Do a lot of people use lubricant?
In 2014, a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that “of the women who participated in the study, 65.5% reported ever having used lubricant and 20% had used a lubricant within the past 30 days. Across age groups, lubricant was most commonly used during intercourse (58.3% of women) or partnered sexual play (49.6%). Common reasons for lubricant use included to make sex more comfortable, fun, and pleasurable and to decrease discomfort/pain.”
So, to answer your question, most women have used lubricant as part of partnered sex, foreplay, or solo sexual activities for reasons related to pleasure as well as comfort.
Can a guy tell when a girl isn’t experienced? Do they mind if girls lay there while they do all the work?
If experience or lack thereof is a concern, bring it up with your partner. It can be as simple as saying, “Hey, I don’t have a lot of experience with this.” When in doubt, always communicate what you are feeling. Communication also allows you to find out what your partner likes and does not like, leading to a better experience for everyone involved.
Regarding your second question, ask yourself: would you mind if a guy laid there while you did all the work? If you would mind, then it is very likely your partner would also be unhappy doing all the work (unless they have communicated otherwise). In sex, as with most things in life, you should treat others how you would like to be treated.
How does depression influence sexual desires?
It is important to remember that depression affects people differently, and so it is impossible to make overarching statements that apply to everyone suffering from depression. That being said, it is a fact that sexual desire starts in the brain and works its way down. Neurotransmitters, chemicals in our brains, communicate with each other to stimulate blood flow to sexual organs. If a person has depression, these chemicals are out of balance and sexual desire can be affected. Furthermore, depression can dull pleasurable activities, making it very difficult for one to enjoy things they used to find great pleasure in.
Sometimes, medications used to treat depression, such as SSRIs, can lead to decreased sexual libido. Regardless, DO NOT STOP TAKING MEDICATIONS. Talk to your doctor if this problem arises, and your doctor will help you find a medication that treats your depression without affecting your sex drive.
How do I not care when my boyfriend watches porn and checks other girls out?
Jealousy and insecurity are toxic for relationships. Unchecked, this tension will build until eventually you unleash your pent-up emotions on your boyfriend. So, when these jealous feelings creep up, it is first important to recognize that this is fueled by internalized self-doubt and overthinking. Remember that you have a boyfriend who adores you — he is in a relationship with you for a reason.
If possible, try to be honest about your jealousy with your partner in a manner that is neither accusatory or angry, because that won’t solve anything. Ultimately, we cannot control how we feel, but we can control what we do about those feelings.
Why does my boyfriend want sex more than me? It’s not that I’m not attracted to him, I’m just never in the mood and feel guilty that he doesn’t feel adequate.
People have varying sex drives. It’s part of what makes us unique! It’s likely that your boyfriend logically understands that he has a higher sex drive than you, but wants to make you feel good because he cares about you. If you’re unsatisfied with never being “in the mood,” then it could be time to try new things to discover what gets you “in the mood.” Framing sex in your mind as a fun exploratory activity, rather than a chore, is a good place to start.
Talk to your partner and ask if there are things he would like to try to boost your sex drive. If he is feeling inadequate, giving him the green light to try new things with you will undoubtedly make him feel valuable. Also, don’t get discouraged if you don’t figure it out immediately. It can take time, but trying new things is part of the fun! As long as it is safe and consensual, there are nearly infinite avenues you can explore.
If you have any questions you would like to submit for the next edition of SEXplained, click here and ask away! Remember, it is completely anonymous and only we can see your questions.