As Collegiettes, we are legal adults. We can do all kinds of frightening things: buy cigarettes , gamble, elope and (scariest of all) vote. We’re partially responsible for choosing the next President of the United States, but politics are confusing and it’s not always easy to get informed. Matching faces to names we hear on the news can be challenging. Luckily, Her Campus has a guide for the politically lost, which relates to one thing we can all understand: Mean Girls. Here’s who each of the 2016 Presidential Candidates would be if they were cast in the legendary flick.
1. Donald Trump as Karen Smith
Donald Trump is like Karen Smith in that he does not get caught up on socially acceptable behavior or credible statements. He has discounted President Obama’s birth certificate, threatened to make Mexicans pay for a great divisive wall on the border, generalized those Mexican people as drug mules and rapists, objectified women, criticized overweight people and glorified his money and status. Still, Donald Trump and Karen Smith are refreshingly unfiltered; we appreciate the rare, unscripted candidate. Like Karen in the image above, Trump is accustomed to being in front of the camera and running the show.
2. Jeb Bush as Cady Heron
When Cady Heron first transfered, Karen asked her why she was white if she was from Africa. Jeb Bush can relate–he, too, will enter the ring with prior expectations to fight. He’ll have to escape the assumptions voters automatically make when they hear his last name and prove his individual qualifications for the job. Bush has been called less aggressive and outspoken than his brother George, but they are similar in their conservatism, evidenced by Jeb Bush’s track record as Governor of Florida. As governor, he cut taxes, imposed abortion restrictions and improved freedoms for gun owners among other changes. Let’s just hope he’s not inclined to lie and fake his way to the top – we all know how that turned out for Cady.
3. Carly Fiorina as Gretchen Wieners
Carly Fiorina was named Fortune’s Most Powerful Woman in business for six straight years. So she has the fortune, but does she have the fame? Isn’t Hillary Clinton the woman everyone knows? Gretchen Wieners was taken down by her inability to cope in the shadow of the Queen Bee. And yet, we think Fiorina may have a better shot at making “fetch” happen. She knows how to market herself and her trade, evidenced in her reign as CEO of HP. She’s dealt with criticism on everything up to her smile. Fiorina is tough; we’re just going to have to trust she’s a better secret keeper than Gretchen.
4. Bernie Sanders as Janis Ian
Bernie Sanders is liberal and unafraid to stand out. Similar to Janis Ian, he’s grounded against the sweeping influence of the status quo. Sanders has rejected funding from billionaire corporations throughout his campaign because he doesn’t support their principles; we imagine he might think their values are superficial, or… Plastic. Sanders wants to raise taxes on the Reginas of the nation. He’s uniquely unconcerned with trivial conversations, like those analyzing Hillary Clinton’s emails. However, while we don’t think Janis would be opposed to the use of violence against Regina, Sanders is pretty lax on gun control.
5. Hillary Clinton as Regina George
The Queen Bee of the 2016 Presidential Candidates, Hillary has been the woman in the spotlight. We have to admire her leadership, but we wonder if she’s deserving. The public has questioned her honesty and challenged her willingness to change her opinion to fit the audience; when she says she loves a skirt, does she really? Or is it the ugliest effing thing she’s ever seen? When she says she opposes Obama’s Asia-Pacific trade deal, does she actually? Or does she still support it like she said in the past? Everyone wants to know and understand the Regina George of the group. But even if we can’t fully understand her, we must admit she’s got the political experience.
Well, Collegiettes, we could do our research and make an educated contribution to society next November 8th. Or we could settle this like they do in the animal world.