I didn’t. Let’s start there. I definitely came face to face with this feeling of frustration towards my family this past month and just barely survived it, much less dealt with it. I think it’s hard when college shows you what independence is like. What being responsible for your own well-being, academics, and growth is like and finding your way on your own. And then, to go back home and be forced into decisions that you didn’t make, when you’re just gaining that independence you were learning to love… It’s hard.
What made it harder was the circumstances.
I’m now at a place where I can understand the reasoning behind why my parents act the way they do. I can look at their past and see all the stories and experiences that made them into who they are. I am empathetic and despite not being treated the way I would like, I can see where it’s coming from and their intentions. It’s a good and healthy place to be, I think, to be able to look at your own parents subjectively, like they are just two separate people on this planet with lives, experiences, and stories just like everyone else. Imperfect. However, it is also hard to separate that empathy from my own mental health.
It made me feel so guilty to prioritize myself over my family. So much so, that over break I let them drag me across the world, despite having a mountain of work and stress on my shoulders here. I had thesis work, job applications, interviews, doctors’ appointments and plans with friends that I was excited for and everything had to be canceled. I sacrificed my own mental health and exceeded my capacity for what I can handle to be there for my family during a time of need and came back to school as stressed and burnt out as I was when I left.
Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be there for my family and I was. It was a time when we needed to band together. But, it was thrown together VERY last minute, rushed without any real thought behind the decisions that were made. And to add more turmoil to my already frustrated mind, unresolved feelings of what growing up balancing two different cultures were brought up and I couldn’t quite communicate it to anyone: feeling too foreign whenever we visit our family in India, but not feeling American enough here. The stress of having my own life, sanity AND health (I got COVID from traveling) being thrown off the rails, made things incredibly difficult.
There are a couple of things I learned throughout this experience.
- Make sure whatever you do in life is something you know you want to do. If you’re not fully behind your own decisions, you will have to live with the regret of doing it.
- Accept childhood frustration and anger for what it is. Acknowledge it. I spent the whole time traveling, talking to people about my experience and how I felt so angry at my family for not being able to respect my life and see that uprooting everything within the span of less than 5 days to urgently travel and see family was hard. I gave a voice to my own feelings. Once you recognize what you feel, you have the power to change them.
- Have empathy. Try to understand the other side: why they are doing what they are doing and how they feel? It dissolves that anger just a little bit. While my anger dissolved into frustration, it was something that was necessary for me to be able to get though this past month. Your head gets a little less cloudy, and open communication becomes a teensy bit easier. Trust me, frustration is an emotion that is a whole lot easier to deal with than anger.
- Be kind to yourself. Emotions come and go, and with time everything is healed. Even those unresolved feelings from childhood. Get support from others and focus your energy on something new.
Remember that emotions, particularly anger, are like fire. They can brighten, bring warmth or burn. Handle with care.
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