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How The Grinch Stole Blarney

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Reprinted with author’s permission. 

How The Grinch Stole Blarney

Every kid down in Zooville liked Blarney a lotBut the Grinch, Who lived just East of campus, did NOT!The Grinch hated Blarney, the whole Blarney season!Now, please don’t ask why, It’s for some stupid reason.It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right,It could be perhaps, that his pants were too tight.But I think that the reason most likely of all,May have been that his heart was two sizes too small!Whatever the reason, (we don’t have a clue)He stood there on Blarney eve, hating the Zoo.

Staring down from his house with a sour, Grinchy frown,At the warm lighted windows below in their townFor he knew every kid down in Zooville under his ridge,Was busy now, packing up their mini-fridge.“And they’ve all bought handles!” he snarled with a sneer,“Tomorrow is Blarney! It’s practically here!”Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers anxiously drumming,“I MUST FIND SOME WAY to stop Blarney from coming!”

For tomorrow, he knew, all the Zoo bros and thots,Would wake bright and early, They’d rush to take shots!and then! Oh, the green! Oh, the Green!!That’s one thing he hated, the Green Shamrock!Then the students young and old would crack open a beerand chug gallons and gallons, oh the horror!, oh the fear!And THEN they’d do something He liked least of all!They’d gather in big crowds, and throw a snowball!

And the more the Grinch thought of this whole Blarney fling,The more the Grinch thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”“Why, for twenty-three years I’ve put up with this now!”“I MUST stop Blarney from coming! BUT HOW?”“Then he got an idea! An awful idea!”THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

“I know just what to do! The Grinch said, feeling cruel,I’ll institute a campus-wide NO GUEST RULE!And he laughed, and laughed, “What a great Grinchy rule!”“With this policy in place, No more “VIVA LA STOOL!”And to make it hurt more, I’ll take away parking!No kids will be drinking, No dogs will barking!

Then all I need is a decoy…The Grinch looked aroundBut since talent is scarce, there was none to be found!Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The grinch simply said,“If I can’t find someone with talent, I’ll get Ke$ha instead!”So he called up the Mullins, and he gave away tickets, “With this concert in place, Blarney will be only crickets!

All while the kids were all dreaming sweet dreams without care,Dorm windows were dark, quiet snow filled the air.When he came to the first little dorm in the Zoo“This is stop number one” the old Grinch hissedAnd he walked to the elevator, with a chime of the door,And he rode the steel car to the twenty-first floorWhere the beer cans were all neatly lined in a row“These Keystones” He grinned, “Are the first things to go!”Then he slithered and slunk, trying not to get caughtAs he reached in the fridge, stole each Jell-O shot!Rummaging about, quicker than you can blink,Around the whole floor, He stole every drink!

Jameson Whiskey! Boxed wine, and Beer!” “Rubinoff, Svedka, Four Lokos, Everclear!”And he stuffed them in bags, and he said with a scoff,“Without alcohol, Blarney Blowout is OFF!!

Then he heard a small sound, the creek of a floorHe turned around fast, and tried to sneak out the doorBut he failed in this quest, as he promptly was seenBy a young Freshman student, who was not more than 18.She stared at the Grinch and said, “Oh Grinchy why?“Why are you taking our thirty-rack? WHY??But you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick,He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!“Why, my young little tot”, the scheming grinch lied,“There’s a much colder fridge in my house, right inside!”“So I’m taking it home, just to cool down my dear”“I’ll chill down the beer, then I’ll bring it back here.”And his fib fooled the girl, Then he patted her head”And he got her some water, and he sent her to bed.And when she returned to her Z-room, with her zoo cupHE went back to the elevator, and loaded it up!

It was quarter past dawn, All the students, still a’ slumberWhile the Zoo slept, he made off with his plunderThree hundred feet up! Up the side of O’Hill!He rode with his load to the tiptop to just to spillF-You to the Zoo he was Grinchishly humming“They’re finding out now that no Blarney is coming!”“Theyre just waking up! I’ll know what they’ll do!“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,Then the students down in ZooVille will all cry Boo-Hoo!”“That’s a noise”, grinned the Grinch, “That I simply MUST hear!”So he paused- And the Grinch put his hand to his ear

And he did hear a sound rising over the snowIt started in low but it started to grow.But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sounded so cheerful!It couldn’t be so, but it WAS HAPPY, and GLADHe thought “without Vodka, they MUST be so MAD!”“It came without shots, it came without beers!”“It came even with Ke$ha, torturing their ears!”And he puzzled two hours, till his brain was quite sore,Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!“Maybe Blarney, he thought, doesn’t come from a liquor store”“Maybe Blarney…perhaps…means a little bit more!”

And what happened then? Well…in Zooville they sayThat the Grinch’s small heart grew ten sizes that day!And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,He drove all the liquor through the bright morning light,and he brought back the drinks, the vodka so clear,and he, HE HIMSELF! The Grinch, shotgunned a beer.

~The End~

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