Relationship expert Natalie Lue defines people pleasing as, “when we suppress and repress our own needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions to put others ahead of ourselves so that we can gain attention, affection, validation, approval and love. Or we do it to avoid conflict, criticism, additional stress, disappointments, loss, rejection and … abandonment.”
Almost half of Americans — 49% — self-identify as people pleasers. Women (56%) are more likely than men (42%) to describe themselves this way. About 46% of women say that they feel responsible for how others are feeling, while only 35% of men report feeling this way. Moreover, 43% of women say that they struggle to establish boundaries with others, while only 32% of men say this.
I’ve always noticed more people-pleasing behaviors in women rather than men; when walking down the street, women usually move out of the way first. If there’s an accidental collision, say on a bus due to a speed bump, I notice that women will apologize more often than men. My mother is often concerned with how all of her children are feeling; my dad is often chilled out and just wants a nap.
Personally, I am someone who identifies as a people pleaser. I often feel a deep responsibility and sensitivity to how other people are feeling. Whether it’s feeling responsible for making sure my friends are having fun on a night out or having a sinking feeling in my chest if a friend acts short or dismissive towards me, I allow other people’s needs, actions, and feelings to be more important than my own. I’ve felt frustrated by this my whole life and have always wondered why I, and women especially, feel this way. Why are women trained to put others’ needs before their own? Why do I feel like I need to make others happy, even at my own expense?
Recently, I’ve been working on listening to my gut and placing higher value on my own feelings. For example, I’m learning to lean more into the emotion of anger. That sounds a bit strange, I know, but hear me out.
As someone who avoids conflict, I often get anxious if I find myself angry with others; I feel as though if I am angry at someone at a specific moment, I must conceal it. Afterwards, I struggle to figure out what to do with my anger. I often worry that I’m being irrational, or suppress my feelings in order to avoid conflict and move on with my life.
Now, I’m trying to worry less about why I’m angry and just accept how I feel. I have to remind myself that anger is normal, and totally okay. You can just be mad, and leave it at that. Your emotions are valid, and there’s no value in overthinking, concealing, or convincing yourself things are fine in order to make other people happy. So get mad, and stay mad. Trust your gut, and make space for yourself.
This goes for others, too; if someone is mad, that is okay. There is no need to worry that you are entirely responsible or believe that you’ve done something wrong. Just let it be.
Since taking on this mentality, I’ve been better at holding my ground in my opinions and while I still dislike conflict, I address it when it’s necessary. 51% of Americans place high value on themselves and their needs, desires, expectations, feelings, and opinions; I am trying to become one of those people, and I urge you to do the same.
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