My boyfriend 2 years and I recently decided to take a break because we are so busy with school and extra-curriculars this year. We still talk all the time, and it’s almost not a break, but a little bit of relationship pressure has been taken away. His guy friends, who I was friends with too have been encouraging him to go out and hook up with other girls. I have no control over what my boyfriend does and I would never expect him to drop his friends over this, but it has definitely made it awkward when we hang out in a group. I’m not sure how to handle this. Should I approach his/our friends about this or just continue to let it go?
One of the most frustrating fixes to a relationship is a break. Breaks can be confusing, and where one side is more into it than the other, feelings get hurt. If you are looking to make life easier by taking the pressure of a relationship off, you need to have a clean break with some actual time apart. If not, you will end up stressing yourself more than you would have by just being together.
It’s good to keep a rapport, but for it to be a real break, you should not be talking, hanging out or hooking up. I know I’ve been guilty of this: it seems like a good idea at the time but it’s a trap. Don’t dig a hole and fall into it.
The stress of a break is the most pronounced with jealousy. You essentially know you are in a position where you have no right to tell him what to do, but deep down, you don’t want him to do things that would hurt you. Of course you still have feelings for him, and he does as well.
For his friend to be encouraging him to go out and test the waters is natural. We’re guys, once you’ve been off the market for a while, it’s nice to be able make sure you’ve still got it. That being said: do not resent his friends. By being ‘that girl’ who whines and affects friend-dynamics, your break might end up backfiring on you.
Confronting his friends is tricky. They know you through someone else, so they are loyal to your boyfriend and will continue to be. However, by being honest and sincere about your feelings, you can confide in them and use them to your advantage. If they know you have genuine feelings about your boyfriend, but know that you can’t be together right now, any decent guy will respect that. A friend asking your boyfriend about you is the best thing you can make happen. You’re essentially using other people to do the work that makes him think about you. Unless you have done something bad, he’s probably going to think about the good times you’ve shared. Otherwise, enjoy your break, be yourself and don’t worry about anything else. If things are going to work out, they will. Don’t force it; doing so is the easiest way to kill it.
I had a crush on a good guy friend of mine, but it became apparent he really didn’t feel the same way. Listening to his advice, I got over my feelings and moved on. We have still continued to be friends like before, but since I started talking to someone else I’ve noticed my friend will start fights with me over ridiculous things. Do you think this could be jealousy? If so, why does he feel this way when he clearly told me he was not looking for anything?
This is simple. He’s trying to play hard to get. At the time you told him you liked him; he may not have felt the same. However, sometimes knowing someone likes you, it changes someone. It’s a good feeling knowing that, and he was put in the position where he had to think about what it would be like if you were to get together. As that thought brewed in his mind, I’m thinking he realized that it’s not a bad idea. It’s not inconceivable that his reaction to other guys is just petty jealousy. If he felt like he missed out on what could have been, lashing out by starting nothing-fights is his way of coping.
When he said he wasn’t looking for anything, that’s because if you’re looking for something, it’s never going to happen. The best way to find a relationship is just letting things take its course, and someday, something will come along. If you know how to pick between the good and the bad, and are a good judge of character, then you’ll recognize when you’ve got a winner. If a guy isn’t looking for anything, it’s not that he doesn’t want anything. As long as he can get what he wants without a label, there is nothing to force him into a relationship. He might look at you like someone on the back burner, always there, and when he’s ready, he can go for it. If that option is taken away, he might be upset. Does he have a right to be? Absolutely not. Long story short, nothing is fair, but with clear communication, it will cut down the tension and allow you to continue being friends, or start you on the right path to something beyond that.
My long-term boyfriend and I recently ended things and I’m adjusting to single life again. I’m not looking for another relationship, but it seems like most of the guys on campus I meet are just looking for a random one-night hook up. I don’t want to be one of many girls a guy is hooking up with. How can I make this clear without sounding like I’m looking for something serious?
That is called having your cake and eating it too. You’re asking for someone to hold up to the standards of a relationship without putting a label on it. That brings me to my point: the relationship label does not exist. It’s not a wedding ring. I can’t lose half my stuff if we decide to break up. It is in my honest opinion that a relationship is made up, and the way you treat each other determines what you are. Exclusive hooking up might as well be a relationship. You need to find yourself a guy that has enough respect for you that without having to ask, he will act like a gentleman and do what’s right. Still, you can’t hold him back from doing what he wants.
As a single college student, life is great. You are in a pool of people looking the best they ever will (yeah, it’s pretty much all downhill from here sorry.) So make the best of it. You don’t want to look back and regret anything. If you want someone to dedicate themselves to you without having to buy you dinner, then you’d better have something to offer. Step your game up and make him do what you want without pushing it on him. You are the strongest when he does what you want because he wants to. With a mutual respect, you might not be the only girl, but that isn’t the worst thing in the world. There are good guys out there, but unfortunately you’ve gotta look a little harder to find them.
I’m talking to a guy who is a little older than me and out of college. We text each other a lot and he always asks me what I’m doing. I feel like I am constantly saying “writing a paper” or “just got out of an exam”. I feel awkward because it always emphasizes the age difference. Am I over thinking this, or should I limit the nerdy school talk so I don’t sound like a little girl?
You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Where he is out of college and presumably has a job, that’s what he does. You are still in college, that’s what you do. Unless you’re trying to pretend otherwise, he knows the deal. If there is an age difference, college is not going to be the factor that changes anything. By texting regularly about what you’re doing, you know he doesn’t care that you talk about being in school.
So my advice is to be yourself, if you are not that interesting and all you can talk about is school, then you’ve got other problems on your hands. Don’t over think texting; it’s just a way to keep in contact with the smallest amount of interaction needed to communicate. If he knows you just got out of an exam, chances are he’s going to ask you how you did next week when you get the grades back. That can work out great with a celebration dinner or drinks. It’s all how you spin it. If you are busy and have papers to do, don’t just say you can’t hang out; it’s fine to tell him why. College is short and we’re going to be working the rest of our lives, so make the best of the time you have and don’t worry about sounding nerdy.