Ironically enough, the summer that I fell in love, my friend named Ari asked me whether it was better to have a broken heart or to have never fallen in love at all. She had just gotten out of a relationship at the time. We were sitting on the couch in my parents’ screened-in porch and I replied with the most honest answer I could give: “I don’t know.” Four and a half years later, I still do not. I remember that during that summer of 2010, the question haunted me for months. The truth is that it still does.
I wonder how my life would be different if I had never fallen in love at the young age of fifteen years old. Although I admit that sometimes I think about this imaginary alteration in my past, I have come to the conclusion that maybe it does not matter. Maybe it does not matter whether or not the pain that comes with falling in love is worth the pleasure of it. Maybe I do not need to keep thinking about Ari’s question. Maybe it is better not to dwell on a wish to change the past. Maybe it is better to focus on how tough falling in love young made you. And maybe it is better to just keep that handwritten letter written by the one who broke your heart tucked away in your scrapbook and not throw it away.
To be honest, I have never experienced more pain in my life than the months after this person and I broke up the first time. And the second. And the third. And the hundredth. Am I making it clear that we broke up a lot?
Everyone knows that some people date each other in high school just because they like the other person or because it is convenient. But there are rarely couples who deeply care for each other. If you were or are in that kind of relationship, you understand how hard it is to move on from it.
I remember coming home from school the day that the guy broke up with me. The first thing I did was walk into my father’s office to tell him what happened that day at school. The most painful part of telling him was that he was disappointed that he would no longer spend time with the guy. When you spend so much time with a boyfriend at your parents’ house, your parents start to get used to having him around. I remember that what was worse than telling my father that we broke up for the first time was telling my sister, Franny.
My sister has special needs that directly affect her abilities to adapt to changes in life. As if humans do not have it hard enough adapting to life’s curveballs, my sister has it the hardest. She grew to adore my ex-boyfriend. She still remembers the times he would drive the three of us to get cheeseburgers or when she accidentally kissed his hand thinking it was mine when we were watching a movie on my couch that made us crack up. Having to repeatedly remind Franny that we broke up made dealing with the pain so much harder. It seemed like she was in a sort of denial about the situation, and if she kept pretending to forget that we broke up than we would be together and she could see him again.
I am writing this article in the hopes of helping at least one collegiette answer some of the questions she has about young love. I remember always looking for answers when I was dealing with the off times in my on and off relationship. I was always wondering if romantic love was a blessing or a curse. I was always wondering why none of my friends in high school were in love the way that I was. I was always wondering why I felt like such a masochist when I would listen to songs that made me sad or think about the funny things he said. Most of all, I was always wondering what I learned from it all.
After having time to reflect on my first love, I realize that I learned so much about human nature in that relationship. I learned that everyone has pain. I also learned that a great way to deal with it is to laugh as much as possible and enjoy life. The guy who broke my heart was the funniest person I have ever met. He was always cracking jokes, even if they were dumb. He just wanted other people to be happy. I learned from him to not take life too seriously. He also had the most carefree attitude of anyone I knew. I admit that I am a worry wart. Being around someone who does not care about other people’s opinions showed me the way I want to be and the kind of people I want in my life.
Despite the fact that you might miss your favorite traits in someone, you need to know that there are plenty of people out in the world who possess the very personality traits that you admire. You can learn from your first love what you want in another potential boyfriend, friend or even how you want to live your life. I know that I would be a more serious, anxious person if I had never fallen in love. I learned from him how to be a happier person and I learned from our breakup that I possessed strength I never knew I had.