My parents are my best friends. I probably hung out with them on the weekends more than I did with friends during high school, so when I left for college, it was really hard on all of us. Although they are my best friends, they tended to control many aspects of my life when I was home because of how protective they are. I am their oldest, so I was basically the tester child that had a more extensive list of “can’t do’s” than my younger sister does now. I had to ask permission to do everything; to this day I still ask if I can shower when I’m home. So as you can imagine, it wasn’t easy for them to completely give up their overprotective nature when I came to the University of Iowa. We had a lot of talks about respect and responsibility, and in the end we came to an agreement that satisfied all of us. So if you’re a freshman worried about / struggling with (slightly) overprotective parents, here are some things that I recommend doing to maintain a healthy and adult relationship with them.
1) Call home in the beginning
Your freshman year is a new and exciting experience, but while you’re busy making friends and learning your way around campus, your parents are home missing you. They’re going about their everyday lives, just with you gone. So every now and then, remember to call home. If your parents are constantly calling you and asking what you’re doing, just remember that they’re only worried about you and missing you. Calling home once day or a few times a week for the first few weeks doesn’t take much time, and eventually they’ll feel comfortable enough to check in less frequently.
2) Make compromises
Like I said, I was the first child to leave and go to college, so naturally my dad was worried about his daughter being on a Big Ten campus without him. We talked a lot about it, and I told him that I needed some freedom, and he told me that he was going to be nervous. So we came to a compromise that if he didn’t text me all day every day, then I would text him every night when I was in my dorm getting ready for bed. That may seem like a lot, but all I did was text “I’m in” as I was laying in bed on my phone. I’m usually on my phone most nights anyway, so it didn’t take much effort at all, and it made him feel a lot better. Now as a sophomore he told me he doesn’t expect me to do it every night anymore, all because of the trust we built last year.
3) Make them feel included
When I went to football games or out with my friends, and we took cute pictures, I always sent them to my parents. It was a little thing that helped them feel connected to what I was doing, and because I was sending them without any prompting, they didn’t feel the need to always ask me what I was doing. They felt included and part of my “new” life, which in turn made them happier and less protective.
4) Be patient
I am very close with my parents, so I tried very hard to balance my new freedom with my past of always having to ask to do everything. It can be annoying sometimes, but try to understand that it is all coming from a place of love. They were always so thankful that I put up with all their eccentricities and always let me know how much it meant to them.
5) Be respectful, but make your own decisions
If your parents are mad you’re going out, feel you’re not studying as much as you should, or think you’re spending too much time with friends, respect how they feel and listen to their concerns, but remember that as part of becoming an adult you have to start making your own decisions. If you don’t study enough and ignore your parents and then fail a class, then that’s your fault. But a part of being an adult is making bad decisions and learning from them. By making your own decisions, you have to deal with the consequences of your choices and how to handle the repercussions, without your parents stepping in and figuring it all out for you.
If your parents are so protective that they are controlling every aspect of your life at college, then you need to sit down with them and have a serious talk. But if your parents are just a bit overprotective like mine, remember that it takes time for them to let go. They love you, and they worry about you, but on some level they trust you, too. They’re scared because you’re away from home for the first time, and as much as college is an adjustment from you, it’s an adjustment for them as well. And if once in a while they need a little intervention, tell them this: if they’ve raised you well, you will be able to take care of yourself and make educated decisions (with a little help from them sometimes, of course).