It’s somewhere on the walk back to his place that you comprehend how immediate the entire world seems at that moment. You notice the hand you’re holding and it all floods back. The bar. The shots. Dougie-ing. His excuse to talk to you. Your own lengthy and detailed explanation of why the Twilight book series is infinitely better than the film adaptions. You close one eye to consolidate the doubles your seeing and take him in.
He’s a bit taller than you, decently built and though he’s trudging along with a drunken grin a sailor would be proud of, he looks fairly handsome. After you play around with all the different made up excuses (“I have work at like 5 tomorrow morning I really need to be back”) and faux emergencies (“My friend’s like, really drunk and throwing up I have to go”) you give up. You accept your fate. This is going to happen and luckily – you’re already at his place.
It doesn’t really matter how you got to this moment, the previously stated fictional anecdote serving only as a generic memory jogger, just that you can relate to it. The One Night Stand holds place in the history of mating along side such topics as The Friend Zone and the old, “It’s not you. It’s me”. Regardless of how dissected and discussed The One Night Stand is and has been, the act itself carries a rather negative and shameful undertone causing painful reminiscing of college days and bachelor/bachelorette parties. This is in part I feel, and I’m sure many have and will agree, due to the double standard our society sets for woman and the concept of chastity and marriage veined throughout our civilized human past.
That was then. This is now. The promiscuous Chelsea Handler successfully published a chronicle of her own sex adventures; Snooki and the gang get paid almost $30,000 a show to slam flirtinis and vodka Redbulls and make bad decisions on MTV; Hell, even Harry Potter hopped on the good foot and did the bad thing with Cho Chang and had to deal with the consequences.
Therefore, if your religious views or personal morals allow it, and even if they don’t, the next time your walking home with a new friend in tow, here’s a guy’s perspective on how to make your own One Night Stand less about that walk of shame and more about your own personal adventure – if you both still have a slight grasp on sobriety. This is all considering you both don’t start mauling each other’s faces the moment you close the door, which if that’s all you want to do, bon voyage.
A Little Marvin Gaye and Chardonnay
Chivalry isn’t dead. Well, it’s probably crawling around without legs somewhere. Anyways, don’t let him rip your clothes off the moment you guys are alone. You’re a woman dammit. Ask him for a cocktail or a glass of water. If his roommates are there, introduce yourself as best you can. Take a seat on the couch and start asking him about school, the weather, sports, whatever and have a conversation. Going to the bedroom right away vaporizes any semblance of romance you may possibly have a chance at. Share some laughs, show him your favorite non-Ke$ha songs, and practice your flirtatiousness before you move to the bedroom.
Don’t
Don’t rummage through his fridge and eat his leftovers from B-dubs. Don’t mother him and comment on how filthy his place is, he knows. Don’t throw up all over his floor because you drank to many vodka crans at the bar. Make him call you a cab and get you water or get to the toilet and send out the S.O.S to your friends. Don’t start hitting on his roommates. Don’t act 3 times more drunk when you’re not because you feel awkward. Don’t say this place looks familiar. Don’t cry because you lost your phone. Don’t say you’re a virgin. Don’t talk about the new episode of the Kardashians. Do NOT talk about your ex.
Love Faces
Once he puts that fearless booze confidence to good use and makes a move, the next place his mind is going is more than obvious. Yeah, there’s a good chance it’ll be awkward. That doesn’t mean you have to make it more awkward. Laugh if he can’t get your bra off. Ask him to take his pants off if you can’t get his zipper. YOU be the one to jump up and turn the lights off. There’s no point in both of you meandering each other’s bodies like bamboozled Neanderthals. Put on some slow jams and enjoy whatever happens next. Also, contraception, always. Always.
Second Thoughts
If you got to the bedroom part and notice that this guy has Britney Spears posters all over his wall, doesn’t actually look like Jake Gyllenhaal, has a bottle of Viagra on his desk, pictures of him and another girl next to his bed, a Flo Rida album by his cookbooks, or any other trigger that sets off the “this probably isn’t a good idea…” feeling in your stomach, leave. Say you have to go to the bathroom and that you’ll be right back and dip set. If you get to that point in the intimacy and realize that you don’t really think you can go any farther with this guy, don’t. The “it’s that time of the month” usually suffices as you well know. He’ll probably push for the fellatio. Just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels. If you don’t feel comfortable and he won’t stop, just resort back to the bathroom tactic. Otherwise, get some pepper spray for your key chain and try and make better selections.
Pillow Talk and Aftermath
It’s over and you’re either both laying next to each other feeling satisfied or slightly disappointed. Nevertheless, if he hasn’t passed out yet ask him for some water. His brief absence will give you a chance to recollect and redress yourself and get your belongings together to leave. Make him call you a cab – real gentlemen will pay for it. If he’s out or you both fall asleep mid spoon sesh and you end up sleeping over, remember that his arm is NOT a pillow and your head is NOT filled with feathers. Head on the chest if you like to snuggle.
When you both wake up the next morning, there’s no reason to parade yourself around his apartment in your dress from last night on the way out. Ask him for some shorts and a shirt. You’ll give them back later. Depending on how last night went, and you guys seem to still have some form of connection going, ask him if he wants to get coffee, pancakes, or some Gatorade – you’re probably thirsty. Exchange numbers and text him later that day to ask him how he’s recovering. The main point here is to make sure the whole situation is still light hearted and friendly. There’s no reason to give an awkward ass out hug and dip. All your cards are on the table as it is.
A couple days later you see him out at the bar. Wave. Say hello real quick. Run up and give him hug. Have a conversation. Make him buy you a drink. Do it all over again. Do something to acknowledge the fact you’ve both seen each other naked. Embracing your One Night Stand is the key to turning the other night into an opportunity rather than a repressed memory. Hey, you never know. You could have found a keeper. If not, keep doing the Dougie, laugh a lot and enjoy that you’ve made a new friend – even if it was in a slightly hazy unorthodox way.
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